Meow

Sometimes I wish you would love me.
And then I laugh for about an hour. 
Because that is such a stupid wish.
I don't want you to love me.
That is so dumb. 
What even. 
Stupid dumb girl brain getting in the way of actual thoughts.

So what is going on? 
I bought a Mighty Wallet.
A while ago, but still love it so much.
Library concert tonight. 
Quite excited. Might end up alone, though.
No biggie.
(:

My paranoia.

I have this irrational paranoia. (Not a fear, there is a difference.)
I always think that people are just putting on a front with me.
But it goes further than that.
Let me explain. (Or try my best to.)
I always have this thought that people are always pretending to like me.
Like they just hangout with me just to have a laugh.
Like when I turn my back, they're giggling with other people about me.
I can't explain it. 
It's like people pretend to like me, just so they can hate me more. 
I really can't explain it. 
Something.

Men in Black 3

Last night a group of friends and I went to see Men in Black 3.
I love time travel.
Love thinking about it, talking about it, everything.
This movie completely messed with the Grandfather Paradox.
For those of you that don't know (there are people reading. 25 views today. Woo!) what the Grandfather Paradox is, let me explain it.
Say you wish you had a better life. So you go back and tell your father the winning lottery numbers. (Not that money buys happiness, but bear with me.)
So you go back in time and give your father the numbers.
He wins the lottery and his entire life changes.
Now you were never broke, so you didn't have a reason to go back in the first place, so you don't.
So your father didn't get the numbers.
On and on again, ever lasting.

Anyway, this movie failed to realize this.

Along with the time traveling paradox and surprisingly lack of aliens (come on, it's an alien movie! Have more aliens!), I'd have to give it two stars. 
It was a fun night, though!

So there.
 

Geronimo!

I've become mildly obsessed with seeing how many page views I get every day.
It is 11 in the morning and I have 19 views.
I don't think you understand. 
Daily, I might get one or two, usually none, no biggie.
But nineteen?
Yet zero comments. 
I'm really curious as to how many people are just cruising by, and how many are actually reading.
So if you are reading, just leave a little comment.
For science.

I'm not all 'oh I'm going to be famous, have everyone love me!'
No.
It's just interesting to me.

I did my first work of graffiti the other day.
Pictures next.

The getting of the cap and the gown and the nyeh.

Today the seniors went in to get our caps and gowns and have breakfast and stuff.
So we go in, told we are supposed to be there at 7 for breakfast.
Class doesn't start until 7:20, so there was no way we were starting until 7:45.
So we wait.
I didn't end up eating. But that's besides the point.
So we leave to go to the gym.
To line up.
How hard can lining up be?
The answer: not very.
So we stand there with people we don't really know/ don't really like for about an hour and a half.
Then finally, finally we go into the big gym.
Girls get all sad, they're playing Pomp and Circumstance. We aren't actually graduating right now. Calm down. 
We sat there and had bunches and bunches of awards. (For the juniors.)
Then the top 100 of the class.
It just went on and on and on. 
Then the lower classmen left.
We were all like 'yeah, it's over, hurray!'
Then we had to present the NH Scholars. 180 of them.
Then go get our caps and gowns. 
One line, half hour.
Just to get a slip for the next line.
Which we stood in for 45 minutes.

PLUS SIDE.
The nerd table got my number and have been texting me all day.
Oh gosh, you guys are awesome.  

Brain crack: Part 1.

Real quick:

I'm writing down some recipes.
Bagels, in particular. 
The recipe says to 'punch dough down,' as you do with bread-like products.
Instead of writing that, I wrote FALCON PUNCH dough down.

Here is the idea:
Nerdy cook book. Yeah, there are some out there.
But this one will be mine. 

ALL MINE.

Why I don't like mirrors.

Quite some time ago, a friend and I were in Walmart.
We were walking along, looking for candles. He walked down one aisle and I stopped in my tracks.
The aisle was filled with mirrors.
Big mirrors, little mirrors, mirrors of all shapes and sizes. 
I've never been a fan of mirrors.
Reflective surfaces in general.
Mostly in public, but even in private I don't like looking into them.
I rarely look in the mirror, straight in the eye.
And never, never naked.
Not because I don't like how I look.
I can not stress this enough, I do not give a shit what you think of my appearance.
Hell, even I only mildly care about my appearance.
So why should you care? Get to know me instead.
There is something about mirrors that just sucks all of my confidence away.
I don't like them. I just don't.


I was out with a friend the other day, in a comic book store.
I thought I looked all right. I surely felt all right.
Then I caught my reflection in the mirror.
For some reason, my mood plummeted. 
I don't think he noticed, but I surely felt it.
I don't really know why it happens.
But it does.
And I don't like mirrors.

Rest my case.

So we're going back to the whole 'only when it's convenient for you' bullshit?
Nice to know. 
Not a happy camper.

Starting on a bad note, then getting super better.
Potentially.

Last day of school EVER.
High school.
Then finals tomorrow. But still!
More than ready to be out of there.
It has been hell.
In fact, thanks to Greene, I've been through Hell twice. Wink.

What am I doing.
How about a song.
DFTBA that link.
http://dft.ba/-ThisIsASong

Shaping

There is merely one more day of class. After that, one day of finals. 
Then I never have to go back there again.

Ever.

That is the greatest feeling.

I've gone through so much shit in high school. 
In the public school system in general.
My parents divorced. 
I moved across the country, forced away from the few friends that I had. 
I made a few friends in Washington, but let's be honest.
Nobody liked me. I was the new kid.
The weird kid.
Then father won the custody battle.
I was ripped away from my mother and family.
That is one of the few memories I remember so strongly.
My father's mother pulling me out of my mother's arms.
My mother's father placing his hand on the window, matching mine, as we drove away.
My first plane ride.
One I didn't really understand.
I didn't see my mother again for two and a half years.
It wasn't her fault. It wasn't anyone's fault.
The only reason they were ever married in the first place: me.
I started school once in New Hampshire again. 
I made a friend or two. Nothing serious.
I was back to being the weird kid.
The person I would be for quite some time.
I made some friends in middle school.
They all left sooner or later.
I was never afraid to be who I was.
The awkward person didn't need to fit in.
I just needed to be whoever I was going to be.
I tried fitting in for a while. It just didn't work.
So I stopped trying to be that person.
I've had girlfriends, I've had boyfriends.
From Dan to Ryan, Dan to Ryan, Dan to Ryan.
It's been a vicious cycle of boys.
And, holy shit, I deserve to be treated better than that.
It was totally different each time.
The Dan I dated the first time was not the same person as the second time we dated.
Ryan changed drastically from the first to the second time. 
Totally different people each time.
It's crazy how much people change. Not always for the better.
I became homeless.
I moved twelve times in just a few months. 
We still don't really have a place.
No home.
Homeless.
My heart has been homeless since the divorce.
I think that is what has really effected my life the most.
Their divorce.
It would have never had to even begin, if it wasn't for me.
It shaped the way I view the world.

It lets me see all the bullshit for what it really is.


The world is shit.
But I just have to rule it.

I just beed myself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLLz7O9Lf6k&feature=g-u-u

This should be watched.

And this is the inspiration for this video. Kind of.

The reason I didn't go to prom.

Tonight is prom night. And I am playing Minecraft, watching ZeFrank, and blogging.
"But prom is such an important part of high school! You will remember it forever!"
Wait. Just stop right there. 
That is why I'm not going.


I don't want to spend my life doing things so I can remember them later on. 
I want to do things for the now.