Fight or flight.

I'm not going to be here forever.

(But, I will be. Ah. Contradictory thoughts.)

It's fight or flight at this point.

I'm either going to fight for you, or I'm gone.

It's up to you.

But I've got to have something to hold onto.

Dreams and giving up.

Last night I had a dream.

We had a life together. 

I saw us dating again.

I saw you proposing.

I saw our wedding.

I saw our children.

I saw everything.

It was the greatest dream I've ever had.

But something clicked, not even an hour ago. 

You would never be happy with this life. 

You can never be happy with me.

And, some how, I'll accept that.

And eventually, we'll both go down our seperate paths.

And I'll be happy that someday, you'll be the happiest guy on the plant.

Even if the dream I had never happens with you and me.

Someday it'll be another girl with you, in the dream.

As long as you're happy.

Why?

Why was I in a terrible mood today?

I mean, it's not like my best friend's funeral was yesterday.

It's not like I watched her die or anything.

Maybe some day we'll all grow old of these fake smiles. Or maybe when we get older, we'll learn to display them professionally.

Who's a pansy face? Spencer is.

For the past few weeks, I've been telling myself, 'if you ever come back, I'm going to push you away. I'm going to be strong and not give in. Not at first, at least. I'm not going to give in to you, I'm going to stand up for myself, let you know how much you hurt me, how much I can resist. I'm not going to fall for you again, ever. I just, can't.'

Who am I kidding.

The moment your back, I'm going to collapse into your arms. 
If such a miracle were to ever happen.
I've always been yours, and I always will be. No matter how much it hurts.

Damnitdamnitdamnit.

The other day I was told I always look serious.

This is how I hide what's really going on inside.

Let's get honest.

So, this happened maybe a week ago, and it made me really, really angry.
2/3 of the people in my house were sick. Let's narrow this down, my sister was fine.
And a certain person in the house that I currently occupy ran out of cigaretes.
It was raining, 8:30 at night, he was sick, and he took a mile long walk for a pack of crap sticks.
Plus, this person is not currently working
Sometimes we can't afford groceries or lunch, but we'll always be able to afford alcohol and cigarettes. 
Nice to know you have morals.

Hurrah!

Let's play out the past few days. How about in a tennis-match style point system. Sound good? Good.
It's Good vs. Bad today in the beautiful tennis-playing state of... Hawaii. Why Hawaii? Beats me.

Bad serves off first:
Spencer spends the night in the hospital.


Oof! Point Bad!


Good:
It's not for Spencer.


Hurrah! The score is 1:1


Bad is up:
Spencer was in the hospital for her best friend, Molly.


Ouch! Tennis ball hits Spencer in the non-exsistant balls.


Good:
Spencer and Molly sat up all night (as much as Molly could sit up) and played games and sung songs.....


Bad:
and cried.


FOUL! (I don't know if foul's are in Tennis. Let's be honest, i know nothing about Tennis. Seemed like a good idea in the beginning.) No continuing sentences!

Bad serves:
Molly passed away early in the morning, around 2:30. Her mother, father, and older brother were there as well as Spencer. 


Good:
I instaled Firefox today.


Bad:
You used me, pretty much. Thanks for the morals.


Good:
Parade went well this morning.


Bad:
I mean, what the hell. We were together what, maybe two weeks ago. I guess three now. And you already have a girl? Seriously. Thanks for leading me on. I don't think you understand how much it hurt for you to say you fucking loved me, then leave, just days later. You better make her the fucking happiest girl on the planet.


Good:
I feel confident with my Vet. vocab, which I've never felt before.


Good comes back!:
I love Vet so much. You have no idea. Honestly the only thing I'm living for right now.

Bad:
Director's being a jerk. Give me a break, please.


Good:
I'm done feeling sorry for myself.


Good Hurrah!:


Good:
Seriously. The Hoosiers. Why are they... so good?

Good will always come out on top. 

Plus, it's almost winter. YES.

A smile can get you a lot.

I don't even have you, and I feel like you're cheating on me. Bleh.
I just want you to be happy.
But last time we hung out, that shouldn't have happened.
Because, now I feel dependent on you, but you're not going to be around.
Who are we kidding? You're not going to be around; I know how you like her.
It's good for both of you two.
And I don't want to take that from either of you.
So, please stop trying to make it seem like you still like me.
I'll always love you, that much is true, but I don't want someone who isn't going to be 100%.
I can wait.
Be happy.

So, what's been going on lately?
I kind of decided not to do NaNoWriMo. Or, at least do as much as I possibly can. Which isn't a lot.
I clipped a birds wings a while back. Deffinately one of the coolest experiences thus far.
I took care of some Chinchilla's. So, that fear is gone.
That's about it, really.
Reading 13 Blue Evelopes currently. Pretty good.
A smile can get you a long way.

Fact: I'm afraid of crap. They just creep me out beyond compare.