Solitude.

I'm used to being left in the dust.

I've been living, mentally, on my own for quite some time.

I'm used to it.

But I would like a best friend.

I mean, I have a friend or two.

But, I only talk to them in class.

I never go out after school, unless it's somewhere by myself in some kind of self-thought plan.

It's been me, on my own.

Maybe what I want is a best friend.

Maybe the solitary life isn't right.

It sure is the easiest.

But, you know, it'd be nice to have someone to talk to.

Maybe I need to find someone else as solitary as I.

Then we can spend all our solitary time together.

Or even a few friends.
I want to be in a 'group.'

Instead, I'm just the awkward kid that gets invited places once, in pity.

This is my life.

Fight or flight.

I'm not going to be here forever.

(But, I will be. Ah. Contradictory thoughts.)

It's fight or flight at this point.

I'm either going to fight for you, or I'm gone.

It's up to you.

But I've got to have something to hold onto.

Dreams and giving up.

Last night I had a dream.

We had a life together. 

I saw us dating again.

I saw you proposing.

I saw our wedding.

I saw our children.

I saw everything.

It was the greatest dream I've ever had.

But something clicked, not even an hour ago. 

You would never be happy with this life. 

You can never be happy with me.

And, some how, I'll accept that.

And eventually, we'll both go down our seperate paths.

And I'll be happy that someday, you'll be the happiest guy on the plant.

Even if the dream I had never happens with you and me.

Someday it'll be another girl with you, in the dream.

As long as you're happy.

Why?

Why was I in a terrible mood today?

I mean, it's not like my best friend's funeral was yesterday.

It's not like I watched her die or anything.

Maybe some day we'll all grow old of these fake smiles. Or maybe when we get older, we'll learn to display them professionally.

Who's a pansy face? Spencer is.

For the past few weeks, I've been telling myself, 'if you ever come back, I'm going to push you away. I'm going to be strong and not give in. Not at first, at least. I'm not going to give in to you, I'm going to stand up for myself, let you know how much you hurt me, how much I can resist. I'm not going to fall for you again, ever. I just, can't.'

Who am I kidding.

The moment your back, I'm going to collapse into your arms. 
If such a miracle were to ever happen.
I've always been yours, and I always will be. No matter how much it hurts.

Damnitdamnitdamnit.

The other day I was told I always look serious.

This is how I hide what's really going on inside.

Let's get honest.

So, this happened maybe a week ago, and it made me really, really angry.
2/3 of the people in my house were sick. Let's narrow this down, my sister was fine.
And a certain person in the house that I currently occupy ran out of cigaretes.
It was raining, 8:30 at night, he was sick, and he took a mile long walk for a pack of crap sticks.
Plus, this person is not currently working
Sometimes we can't afford groceries or lunch, but we'll always be able to afford alcohol and cigarettes. 
Nice to know you have morals.

Hurrah!

Let's play out the past few days. How about in a tennis-match style point system. Sound good? Good.
It's Good vs. Bad today in the beautiful tennis-playing state of... Hawaii. Why Hawaii? Beats me.

Bad serves off first:
Spencer spends the night in the hospital.


Oof! Point Bad!


Good:
It's not for Spencer.


Hurrah! The score is 1:1


Bad is up:
Spencer was in the hospital for her best friend, Molly.


Ouch! Tennis ball hits Spencer in the non-exsistant balls.


Good:
Spencer and Molly sat up all night (as much as Molly could sit up) and played games and sung songs.....


Bad:
and cried.


FOUL! (I don't know if foul's are in Tennis. Let's be honest, i know nothing about Tennis. Seemed like a good idea in the beginning.) No continuing sentences!

Bad serves:
Molly passed away early in the morning, around 2:30. Her mother, father, and older brother were there as well as Spencer. 


Good:
I instaled Firefox today.


Bad:
You used me, pretty much. Thanks for the morals.


Good:
Parade went well this morning.


Bad:
I mean, what the hell. We were together what, maybe two weeks ago. I guess three now. And you already have a girl? Seriously. Thanks for leading me on. I don't think you understand how much it hurt for you to say you fucking loved me, then leave, just days later. You better make her the fucking happiest girl on the planet.


Good:
I feel confident with my Vet. vocab, which I've never felt before.


Good comes back!:
I love Vet so much. You have no idea. Honestly the only thing I'm living for right now.

Bad:
Director's being a jerk. Give me a break, please.


Good:
I'm done feeling sorry for myself.


Good Hurrah!:


Good:
Seriously. The Hoosiers. Why are they... so good?

Good will always come out on top. 

Plus, it's almost winter. YES.

A smile can get you a lot.

I don't even have you, and I feel like you're cheating on me. Bleh.
I just want you to be happy.
But last time we hung out, that shouldn't have happened.
Because, now I feel dependent on you, but you're not going to be around.
Who are we kidding? You're not going to be around; I know how you like her.
It's good for both of you two.
And I don't want to take that from either of you.
So, please stop trying to make it seem like you still like me.
I'll always love you, that much is true, but I don't want someone who isn't going to be 100%.
I can wait.
Be happy.

So, what's been going on lately?
I kind of decided not to do NaNoWriMo. Or, at least do as much as I possibly can. Which isn't a lot.
I clipped a birds wings a while back. Deffinately one of the coolest experiences thus far.
I took care of some Chinchilla's. So, that fear is gone.
That's about it, really.
Reading 13 Blue Evelopes currently. Pretty good.
A smile can get you a long way.

Fact: I'm afraid of crap. They just creep me out beyond compare.

Mhm.

Recentl I've realized something:
I don't realize how lucky I am.
You don't realize how much I need you.

You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Past present or future.
You are everything I could ever want and so, so much more.
Your smile, your laugh. They brighten the world.
Your soul could take every single cancerous cell out of everyone.
Your personality is so lovely, you could be everyone's soulmate in a second.
If I had to choose YouTube or you, you, all the way.
You vs. Every single book in the history of the universe?
You. The stories we will create together overpower even the greatest books.

You. That is all.


I'm sure I'll send this all condensed to you later.
Because, even if I worry sometimes, you are the greatest thing that could ever happen to me, and are so much more than I could have ever wanted or expected.

November.

It's almost upon us.
November.
NaNoWriMo.
Crucible.
Thanksgiving.
Turkey Bowl.
Ohmygoodness.

National Novel Writing Month:
I've been trying to think of a plot for months, and still have nothing.

Show:
Crucible. Three (?) shows in November. End of November. Tech Week Mid-November.

Thanksgiving:
I will be writing through break.

Turkey Bowl:
I will be freezing instead of writing for a few hours on Thanksgiving.

Ohmygoodness.
This is going to be a crazy month.

T-Minus 15 days.

Ohmygoodness.

P.S. I could use plot ideas.

Who am I p.s.ing? Nobody reads this crud.
Goodness.

It's been strange.

I just want to have fun.
Sometimes, I get jeolous seeing people with their friends, driving around, having a grand old time.
I worry that it'll always be this way, and I won't have any friends.
I'll just be alone in the midle of nowhere with myself and a cat.

Sometimes I just wish everyone would go away.
I just want to  be alone.
I wouldn't mind being 'Spencer the Spinster' for the rest of my life.
(I'm glad this high school is not intelligent enough to come up with that nickname.)
A farm is a nice place to live, in solitude.

Sometimes it's like this and sometimes it's like that.

Play-by-play.

You tell me what I mean to you.
The feeling is mutual.
I've been thinking about asking all day, but now I sit back,
Scared out of my mind.
The keyboard glares at me, mocking me.
"You can't do it," it seems to be saying, "you're still the pansy you've always been."
I'll show you.
Deep beath, and here's the plunge.
Now all there is to do is wait. Wait for the reply.
Rejection.



"Dust it off and keep walking, you pansy."
I'm sick of the keyboard mocking me.

You and secrets.

So, I like you. And I'm in a sappy mood, so let's sap it up. Shall we? Yes.
Why. Why do I like you.
Well, here's why.
I can imagine us, together.
I like that a lot.
(All right, maybe my mood isn't as sappy as I thought.)
I like that I can imagine giving you presents.. Like, Christmas presents and aniversary presents and all those things.
I can see us doing all the things I hate.
Like, presents and eating in front of eachother.
I think we'd make a good couple. Forever.
-Enter sappy stuff here-

I was thinking about what would happen if every person in school read this.
Secretly.
And I didn't know.
And secretly, you all know my secrets.

Muggy mood.

Not particularly, because I'm done with you.
(Maybe- because there are some many 'you's' I should make a point to which one I mean. Eh. It's more interesting to guess. Maybe when there's more than one, I'll put a number. Plan? Plan.)

I found a note of yours while cleaning this morning.
And it said something along the lines of 'bite my neck, will you? Well, one day, I'll get back at you.'
All right. You got back at me. And not in a fun way. I hope you realized you crushed me.
But, I wasn't surprised.
I expected it. And I would like for you to leave now.
It'd be nice to be happy again.

And, you know what? I am happy.
You2 makes me happy. (And, not like U2 the band. Man, that was confusing.) 
But, when you like, keep up conversations with me, and not just with one word answers.
Full length, thought out responses. I really like that.
And I really like you.

That is all. I'm cutting out my brain for the evening.
My Dopamine is on the frits. Can't tell if I like it or not.

Fact: It's rare for me not to have Youtube up.

New School Year Resolution, of sorts.

Well, every summer I make a few goals for the up coming school year.
I'm a little late.
But I have one. And one is enough for this year.

1. Cut Brain Crack. Cold-turkey.

Brain crack is ideas you keep in your head and dwell upon them until they are absolutely perfect. And they never become perfect.
The world doesn't need anymore brain crack.
It needs ideas.
So, by keeping them in, it's more and more selfish every year.
This, year, let's crack the crack.

Also, cover some songs. But that's a different goal all on it's own.

Fact: The most visited website on my account is purevolume.com. Obssessed? Maybe.

Quickie.

The other day, I called you my boyfriend.
That was weird.



Fact: I have read 38 books this year. I'm currently working on four. I need to finish 50 by the end of the year to finish my goal. I am not willing to throw this goal aside.

The pressure is intense.

Well, this is an interesting time.
I don't what is going to happen in my life.
Random notes to various people? Sure, let's go for it.

Yeah, sure, I kind of like you again.
And if you don't like me, I don't blame you.
But, I'd like to know.
I feel like I'm pushing myself on you again, and I don't like that.
So, I'd appreciate you either staying or going.
If you're annoyed by me or whatever, just go.
If you don't want to, then don't.
It's totally up to you.
I've been a little happier than usual as of lately, and I hate to think it's because of you.

Don't ask if I want Strogenoff for dinner.
No, I don't want Strogenoff for dinner.
I don't eat meat, you bastard.

You're making me feel inadiquate.
I'm trying, everynight I practice.
And still, when you talk about 'the weakest link', you always give me shifty glances.
It's kind of starting to piss me off.
I'm trying. I'm really, really trying.
I'm kind of starting to feel like I'm not getting any better, and you're just rubbing it in my face.
I feel like I'm wasting my time.
But this is what I do, and I'm going to keep doing it.
But eventually, I'm afraid I'll break.

College is too much pressure on me right now. I don't want to deal with it.
I mean, do I stay here, or go to the West Coast?
Do I go to New York, Massachucets, Idaho, Utah...?
Do I stay here with friends, go to live near mom's, go to New York where some friends have gone to college already, where I may have a journalism internship?
I just, don't know. I don't know what to do.

Fact: I'm afraid of commitment. I can do it for a while, then there's a time frame where I just feel clausterphobic. I'm sure I can get past it, I know I can. I just need someone to help me through that, to stay strong when I feel trapped. As long as I'm trapped in your arms, it'll all work out.

It's science time.

My heart just hasn't been in the right place lately.
I don't know what it is, but I can't do school work and whenever I hang out with people, I'm just not myself.
I'll wake up in a great mood, then it'll slope downwards as the day goes on.
It's strange, and I don't know what's going on.
But, I have a full day at school tomorrow.
I mean, classes until two, band until five, then from 6-8 I'm in the open house for clubs.
So, I have about two hours to finish up homework for tomorrow.
Yay.

I don't know how I feel about this years GSA group.
I mean, we have a LOT more people, but some of them are kind of noisy and annoying.
But, I'm in it to win it. And I will be president next year. And I will make this all better.
And it will be fantastic.
I really like this club, and the idea of it. The people just sometimes kill me.
But I love them.

I had a few minutes this morning to go to the library.
That is until I remembered all of the things that I am reading.
The Hunger Games, Twilight, and Hamlet.
The Hunger Games is full of awesome.
Twilight is full of suck.
And Hamlet is full of teacher being slow and taking a week per scene.
Not literally. But close enough. An Act per week, just about.
But I'll have some free time tomorrow to -hopefully- finish The Hunger Games.
Soon enough. (:
Then I'll have time to finish Twilight, then I can pick up a new book.
Man, I love books.

It's science time.
Night.

Let's talk literature.

So, books.
Currently, I'm reading Left Behind >The Kids< The Vanishings by Jerry B Jenkins and Tim LaHaye.
I'm also reading Twilight, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and Hamlet.
Twilight has a bet going on it, I never got to finish Harry Potter, and Hamlet is for English class.
Hamlet is fairly good thus far, but I'm always up for some Shakespeare.
Twilight I would willingly vomit on.
Harry Potter shouldn't have been set aside.

But guess what I got at the library today?
Hunger Games.
Win? Win? WIN.
I am more than excited to start this bad boy. I've heard nothing but good things about this book.

Project New Hampshire should be starting soon.
Grandma Barb doens't think she will ever make it to see New Hampshire, so she gave me a video camera to document what it's like.
This should be fun.

Truth.

It's been a while.
Well, no it hasn't. I just feel like that was the right thing to say.

Up from the underground.

This blog come in  parts:

Part 1: Logan Venderlic.
I just discovered him.
And I don't know why, but he makes me happy.
He just soothes me.

Part 2: Promises.
At a young(er) age, I learned to always keep promises, but never be dependent on other's.
When I was seven, my mom promised me I could have my first ever birthday party.
I was so excited to finally, finally have a birthday party.
It never happened.
Looking back, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal.
But it was, and still is, to me at least.
So, I'm sorry if I don't believe that you'll always be there. Even if you promise.

Part 3: Man, I really like Logan Venderlic.
Maybe I should listen to him and re-learn how to fly.

Part 4: Band.
I miss Marching. That's the only negative thing I have to say about band right now.
Oher than that, all is well.

Part 5: Ukulele.
I'm getting a ukulele for Christmas this year.
I haven't been more excited for anything since.... my eith birthday party.
Oh geez.
Please, don't make me look like a fool again, ma.

Part 6: Female singers.
I don't know why, but it's rare for me to like female singers.
Mostly in the kind of music that listen to.

Part 7: A deep statement.
You're wrong about a lot of things, but your opinions are always right.


Fact: I used to be deathly afraid of dogs. Look at me now.

It's all just fun and games.

I have these moments where I just want to run around and play.
Because, I mean, I'm still a kid.



I think I missed a fact last time, so let's do two this time.

Fact: I get excited for strange things, such as book reports and dinosaurs.

Fact: I really, really like Badmitten.

It's time to grow up.

School started today, and that's cool.
And, yeah, I'm glad school started, but everything else keeps getting in the way of the happy.
I'm just so unsure of everything.
College.
Jobs.
Band.
Relationships.
People.
Myself.
I don't know what I can do or how much longer I can do it for.
A general attitude decline happened last year, too.
It's not the start of the school year blues or whatever.
Serious stuff happened last year, and different things are happening this year.
I feel like I'm failing everyone.
Family.
Band.
Ryan.
Friends.
Everyone.
I just, don't feel up to par.
I think I may know what one of the problems is.
I'm sick of people being a HUGE part of my life, leaving, then every once in a while, peaking their ead in and out again.
*AHEM Dan, Andie AHEM*
Whatever. It's my fault I'm a bitch, not yours, and I don't blame you.
You had every right to walk out that door and never look back.
(Er, look back on occasion.)

Whatever. I'm sure things won't last as long as I expected them to.

Imma buy you a drank?

Man, am I tired.
Jet laggy.
Not sleeping well.
Not eating, eaither, actually.
Since welanded on Thursday, I've had two peices of pizza, a single-serve lasagna, and a veggie egg roll.
I don't know, I just can't eat. I'm hungry, sure. Slightly. Not enough to actually eat anything.
And I just, can't. I don't know why.

I'm reading Dog again.
For the first time, full through.
It's funny, Dog was sleeping on Plum's bed, and she was reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, which is the one I have started.
I should be getting my new books soon. Within the next few days.
School starts tomorrow, and it couldn't start sooner.

But?

Let's set something straight.
I like women.
But I don't spend all my free time looking at half-naked women.
If there's a naked women on tv, I couldn't care less.
You don't have to tell me when there are naked women on tv.
I don't care.
I don't want to see them.
They can do whateer they want with their nakedness.
You don't need to warn me when there are women on tv.
I just, don't care, thanks.

Fact: I HATE water in my face. Can't stand it. Not in the shower, not at the beach. I. Can't. Stand. It.

What.

You just don't get it,
And you never will.
There is no justification.

Whatever.

So, what's been going on here?
Well, I've made plans on the 27th.
And I am going to the Band show.
I can't miss it.
I just, can't.
Again, for reasons you just won't understand.
It's tough to explain.

Last night, Kolton's grandmother comes up to me and hands me a bag.
She told me it and it's contents are mine.
Inside was a video camera.
Woah? Yeah, woah.
It's a cute little DXG.
It has a tripod and a couple of memory cards.
Along with a few extra things.
Weird.
I'm still confused.

Fact: I have an eating disorder that I like to keep secret. Not anerexia or anything.But an eating disorder. I only know of maybe four people who will possibly read this, and I'm okay with them knowing. Kind of.

Nah.

No reason, just 'nah.'

Well, we went to see Grandpa today, and that was fantastic.
GrandmaGrandma was, well, kind of bitchy.
Grandma was awesome.
I'm not feeling  well,
And I feel like I'm being annoyin again. And I feel bad.

KayeLynn and Samantha are going to Silverwood tomorrow.
Guess who wasn't even invited?
Awesome.
Whatever. I know you don't like me.
You would have just bitched at me all day anyway.

I have more to say, a lot of facts, mostly.
But I need Harry Potter.

Fact: I can't swim. Unless you could rock-like swimming abilities. I just can't do it. I'm terrified of deep water, especially when I can't see the bottom.

Huh.

Lately I've been thinking about the things I don't tell you.
Nothing bad, just things that I don't tell, well, anyone.
And, come to think about it, most of them are medical.
Huh. Would you look at that.

From now on, after every blog-post, I will put something that most people don't know about me. Or just something random about myself. Sound like a plan? Sure.
How about a color?
Nah, background is weird. 
How about italicized?
Yes. That sounds good.

Fact: I'm facinated by weird and different diseases. I actually have a few. (Which no one knows about.)

All right.

Maybe that last oe was a slight exaguration.
Things just suck right now.
And I wanted the comfort that I'm used to get from him.
I'm sick of people leaving my life, and I want him back in the general outer layers.
But I don't want him so close that he's forever in my pocket.
But that's not going to happen anyway, so don't get your panties in a bunch.

Just, frick.

A vs. B: The beggining

I've been going back and forth in my mind about this.
For a while.
And I think at least one of you two will read this.
Which should mean something.
I mean, if A reads it, it'll mean A cares and likes to know what I'm doing and my inner most thoughts.
But, sadly, B is more likely to read this. Or at least, he would read this, if it was a few months back. Because I'm a bitch, and B's gone.
But if it B does read it, it'll mean he's still here, which would men more than anything to me at this point in time. I feel comfortable with B, and I feel like I could tell him what I'm thinking now.
Quit frankly, I wish both A and B would read this, but I doubt that.
I mean, both are great, A and B.
B, we had our ups and downs, and A and I have just begun.
But I feel a storm coming on.

Cocerned.

Lately, I've doubted you.
And now that I see those words, typed out on a screen, I beleive them even more.
I always feel like you're lying to me,
Tat you're annoyed by me.
You just want to sleep with me, then leave.
I don't actually think you've ever liked me, besides eighth grade.
It'd be nice if you did, because I really like you.
But if you don't, please don't waste my time.

Wow. I'm a bitch.
I do like you, I just don't want to waste my time.

Attempt and fail.

Recently, I've been concerned bout my body.
Mostly becuse, well, it sucks.
I want to be proud of something about y body for once.
So, I've been running for a few miles each morning and night for the past three weeks.
I've been eating three healthy meals everyday.
I haven't seen any progress.
I haven't dropped a single pound.
In fact, I've gained weight.
So, fuck.

I wish I could be attractive for you.

It's way passed bed time.

So, I wanted to catch up on my nerdfighting this evening, seeing as I've missed a week or so.
I don't like having other people listening to what I'm watching on Youtube.
Especially at 10 at night with a sleeping baby, when I should be fast asleep.
So, I grabbed my headphones, plugged them in, and started enjoying.

About a half hour later, I thought I heard something, so I took my headphones out.
Which is when I realized, I plugged them into the wrong slot.
And John Green was talking for the whole house to hear.
For a half hour.
Man, I'm a jerk.

But I found it kind of funny. But jerky. I'm just glad nobody woke up. Both t.v.'s are on anyway.

Facepalm.

9 o'clock update.

Damndamndamn.

Landed. It's fantastic here.

Brother's awesome, family is awesome, weather is awesome.

Wait, what was that? No, no.
Wrong.

A... small mishap happened between my aunt and sister, who are the same age, or two years apart, or whatever.
No details, that's family stuff. Let's just say they got into an argument and they aren't speaking.
You have no idea how much I would like for us all to hang out together.
But they can't suck it up and face eachother.
God, this sucks.
I just don't think they understand.
We grew up together, damn it.
Samantha and I are only here for five weeks.
We only have a month to be a family.
For two kids to have their family, whole again, if only for a moment.
I've always wanted everyone together, even for just one damn day.
Mom, grandma, grandpa, aunt, sisters, brother, everyone.

Whatever, I'm just being selfish. I should stay out of their personal lives.

Quickly.

I don't care about Lindsay Lohan going to jail.
Fantastic, I don't care.
Some of the other news stories, on the other hand.
All about planes and turbulance.
Awesome.

So, I have a flight in literally four hours.
How much have I slept, you ask?
Well, none.
But I've finished packing and weighing bags.
(Good news! I've lost eight pounds this week! How? Sure beats the heck out of me. But it happened. Chubbychubchub.)
My bag is full to the brim and weighs about 20 pounds.
Samantha's weighs thirty. I still can't figure out how she pulled that off.
But my carry on is packed, the taxi is booked, the tickets are ready.
Everything is all set.
Except, my MP3 is still not working.
Still not working, so no surprise.
Well. That stinks.

Let's get this all said out, mostly so I can plan myself and figure it all out.
3:00 am. Take a shower. (I'm late.)
5:00 am. Taxi. Awesome.
5:30 am. Give taxi driver the largest amount of money that has ever been in my wallet. Also, arrive at Manchester airport.
5:30-6:30 am. Check in, get tickets, check luggage, go through security, find gate, and wait to board.
7:00 am. Departure. (God I hate planes. Ground, I will miss you.)
7:00-9:50 am. Flight. Traveling back in time three hours.
9:50 am. Land. (My watch will actually say 12:50. So, six hour flight right off the bat. Awesome.)
10:00- 12:30 am. Vegas, baby. (1:00-3:30pm. Mhm. Three hours of absolutely nothing. Maybe food. Although, finding airport food without meat is tough.)
12:55 pm. Depart from Vegas. Finally. (4:00, East Coast.)
12:55-3:20 pm. Flight. Get me back on the ground.
3:20 pm. Land (oh land, how I love you) in Spokane, Washington. Find mama. Get baggage.
4:00 pm. Leave. The damn. Airport.
4:00-7:00pm. Give or take. Arrive in the beautiful Kennewick, Washigton, curl up in a ball, and sleep for four days.

Wake up at 6:00 am for crying adorable baby.


There will be pictures of the adventure later on.
But now, it's 3:30 am and I have not showered. Off scheduale. Yes. Shut up.

I miss you and love you.

Ha! I love hiding messages in random places for very special people. Even though this will probably never be read because it's so. damn. boring.
I do love you.
And I will miss you.
Already do, actually. You will be getting letters.

Let's hope I can get online by Monday so I can blog about how we're going camping with a baby and a puppy next week.
And yard-saling on Friday!
Man, I've missed yardsaling.

Night.

Wait.
Nevermind.
Shower.

Well that's not a good salutation.

Let's talk about family.

So, family sucks.
But family can also be awesome? I guess.
But, mostly, they suck.

First: Cousin.
So, my cousin who is about two years old than I am have had this running compitition.
Quite frankly, we can't stand eachother and like to brag about our lives and see who has it better.
It was more vocal when we were younger, but now it's mostly silent mocking and evil glares between the two of us.
We do still talk about it from time to time, but mostly just glances, knowing who has won.
Well, in Vermont we were at our Aunt's 51st birthday party.
It was hosted at his mom's place.
He keeps bragging about his girlfriend. My girlfriend this, my girlfriend that, blah blah blah.
So, we all had high expectations of this girl.
She shows up, drop dead gorgeous.
Well, stereotypically pretty. You know, make-up, skinny, short shorts, long legs, blah blah blah.
We sit down and start to eat (she doesn't) on the porch. I guess that isn't necessary, but I like eating on porches.
Well, we get to talking, and eventually get to the oil spill.
"Oil spill? Since when?" Hm, about 80-or-so days?
Then, awkwardly, we got off of that topic.
Being in a rural area, a lot of animals are always about.
I saw five bunnies, six deer, two foxes, and a moose.
So, a fox walks into the yard, off to the side, just walking along, probably looking for a mouse or other foods.
She looks over and says "When did you get a dog?"
Alright, sure, whatever. Mistake a fox for a dog. Whatever, excusable.
But she gets up, grabs a dog treat, and walks over to it.
We all kind of... gasp. Seeing as she's walking up to a fox. Yeah, sure, 99% chance it'll run away QUICKLY. But hey, you never know. There is still one percent.
She was just so... dumb. Oh my goodness. I just didn't know what to say to this girl.
Let's say, for sake of argument, we have a inteligence scale.
Einstein at 10, Spencer at 5. Just for the sake of argument.
She would be negative ten.
Seriously.
Winner? Spencer.


Second: Sister.
So, my sister is, well, "pretty."
-Punctuation looks odd in Helvetica. But I like it.-
Anyway, my sister is pretty.
Yay.
I've kind of always been in her shadow.
I'm fine with that.
I've finally reached a point where I can accept myself.
Not necessarily be proud of who I am, but can say 'Hey, this is me. Take it or leave it.'
So, what does she do?
Comments completely on apperance only.
"What's up with your hair getting curly?"
"So, are we going to have to go get your eyebrows done again this summer?"

And that's just in the past five minutes.

Oh. We've had an update. No joke, live update.
When I said past five minutes, I wasn't kidding.
Quoting directly here, you can see Facebook.
"Hahahha okay chewy :)"
... Seriously?
I've had problems with my apperance for as long as I can remember.
Now she goes and pulls this shit?
Confidence shattered.
No, fine, whatever. I don't have the best body. I don't dress feminine.
I don't have the best face, or hair, or eyebrows.
Quite frankly, I could go on and on about all of the damn flaws I have.
And my sister would gladly point all of them out and how I could fix each and every one of them.

I have a lot more to say about this, but I'm sleepy.

Move, move, shake, shake, drop?

Can I get some Helvetica up in here, please?
Much better. Thanks.

I've been writing a lot lately.
No, I haven't finished anything, so don't ask.
Well, I've been listening to a lot of rap lately.
Because, you know. I'm so black.
Why, you ask? Well, I guess it makes me feel more intelligent.
And it makes my stuff look, well, better.
Let me tell you some of my favorites thus far.

These first few are from Plan B- Charmaine:
The best of both worlds, caramel complection/
And I swear when she smiled I almost got an erection.
Really? Really? ....Really?

When she gave me the wink, I could only think of my genitals.
All right, this is British, so genitals sounded a little more suave than the nerdy-sounding American accent. But still. Really? That's all you could think about?

Her arse is tight and her breasts are bloody enormous!
Unfortunately, you can't buy respect.

Hand in hand, we walk over to the doorman/ He's got a big shiny head yo he looks like George Foreman.
What an irrelivent line. Also, why the added 'yo'? Mh. It's tough being a rapper.

We get a cab back to my place where we get it on.
Poetry.

The next verse is all about having sex with this girl. Awesome. Let's pass on that, shall we?

So I was talking to one of my boys the very next day/
And I told him all about me and Charmaine/
He looks at me in a very strange way/
And asks me in De la Rosa is her surname/
If she's mixed race and her eyes are green/
I say, "yeah" he replies "blud.... that girls fourteen."
....
.....
WHAT.
WHY would you even THINK to write a song like this? Why would you even imagine having sex with a fourteen year old girl?


Needless to say, after listening to this song, just once, I feel a lot better.
Confidence boost. Awesome.

Positive blog!

That's right, I refuse to say a single negative thing in this blog!
Yay! Yay. Yay? Yay!

So, let's make a list of things I like:
1. I really like Helvetica. Yay. I like a font. In fact, I'd have to say it's my favorite. Lame, but, whatever.

2. When commas can make thing much, much more awesome. I'm going to have to go with Hank Green's example.
He has a 'Multi-Use Power Mister' and a sharpie. Now, he has 'Multi-Use Power, Mister!'.

3. Youtube. I really like Youtube.

4. Jokes. Just in general. Knock-knock, man-walks-into-a-bar, etc. All kinds of jokes. I wish I could have a group of people sit together in a cirle and just tell jokes for a while.

5. Dinosaurs. The science of dinosaurs and just dinosaurs in general.

6. I like when I draw pictures that actually look... well... good. I mean, yeah, sure, sometimes I draw sometimes. Mostly it's just like 'Hey. I want a terrible picture of an elephant.' And I draw a terrible picture of an elephant. But I drew a pretty good picture of Obama a while back. Then a few days ago I drew a cute little picture of my cute little baby brother. And I am incredibly proud of it. Although, not proud enough of it to, well, show anyone. Bu my sister saw it, and she liked it.

7. Nerdfighteria.

8. Science. Sci-Fi novels, sci-fi moves and television, science itself. If it's got science in it, I will most likely like it.

9. Novels. Books in general, actually. My collection is building. I like it.

10. My room. I just like having room to myself where I can hang out and decorate with me and just puke everywhere if I doso please. Which I don't. But I couldn't if I wanted to. But I don't.

11. Being on the ground. Not in buildings and planes. Being on cold-hard earth. Not on cliff either. Staying possitive. I like being on land.

11.5. I also like being on land for the shear fact that I am not on water.

12. Ukelele's. SPEAKING OF WHICH. I got an goo estimate of around $60 for a uke. Oddly enough, the new ukes were cheaper than the used ones. That was weird.

13. Cover's of Lady Gaga and Kesha and pop people that are actually a lot better than the original.


14. Cuddling with the person you like. Heck, just being with the person who makes your world go round. That makes me happy beyond compare.

15. Walks through the woods. Mine Falls in a nice place in Nashua. Likes it.

16. Blogging, actually. Surprise? It helps get out all of the anxiety and scarey moody junk that wells up inside.

17. Nerds.

18. Grafitti. Positive and negative grafitti. I just like it, when in apropriate places. On a hospital, not so much, but on a bridge or wall that would just be plain and empty otherwise, I like it filled with creation.

19. Plants and planting. My Hankigold's are blooming. :D

20. Camping.

21. Getting up and being productive, which is what I have to do tomorrow morning.

Goodnight, blog.
It's was nice being positive.
One more for the road?

22. Being able to make myself happy, even if it is rare.

Ahha listen to the engine whine.

I don't have much to say, but I want to blog, so here goes nothing.
Literally.

I woke up around 6:30 this morning absolutely laughing.
I don't mean, just chuckling.
Full out laughter.
And man did I need it.
After a few seconds, I remembered my dream.
It was a long dram, I remember that much, but none of it really stood out.
Except for the very last part.
A whole bunch of YouTubers- including myself- were sitting in a circle.
You now, ChannelCassie, FizzyLimon, Vlogbrothers, Meekakitty, LiveLavaLive, MysteryGuitarMan, ShayCarl and the Tards, etc.
The whole gang.
John Green sneezes once.
About a minute later, he turns to me, and sneezes on my right arm.
He looks up, as if he just had epiphany.
"I have something for you," he says.
Then I woke up in hysterics.
I have no idea what he was going to tell me, or what he had for me.

Awesome dream, though.

Friday through Sunday morning I'm in Vermont.
Sunday afternoon, Monday, and Tuesday, I'm spending every possible second with Ryan.
Sappy sappy mush.
Imma miss him.
Leaving for Washington on Wednesday.
Have I mentioned I HATE FLYING?
Hate it.
Hate it hate it hate it.

Right before the tide comes.

All right, I lied.
Another terrible, complainy, whiny, dumb blog.

In all of my sixteen years of life, I have had giveorake 10 anxiety attacks.
Strike that, make it 11.
For the past week or so I've been having insane anxiety attacks, and they haven't really completely gone away.
They always happen in the summer time, around the time I go to and leave my mom's.
Hm. Wonder what kicks them?

Lately I've found myself silently apologizing for my body.

Hopefully I can find some kind of work this summer so I can buy a uke.
Or find someone to see theirs.
Damn damn damn.

Oh, please.

After having an absolutely fantastic day with Ryan, I walk in the door to mean words and yelling.
What was it about?
Dinner. My dad and sister were mad at me for not being home to make dinner.
So, I give in and ask what they want for dinner.
It was between Ravioli and broclli and chedder pasta. I chose pasta.
Samantha was sad.
While making dinner, I took one piece of pasta every so often to see if it was done or not.
Dad got mad at that.
Why? Beats me.
So, I finish dinner and leave it to sit for a few minutes.
Dad walks into the kitchen, tells me it's not done, proceeds to turn the stove back on, and add various spices to it.
I ask him to please not do that.
He ignores me and continues to mess with it.
He tells me it's not done and continues to cook it himself.
This angers me.
They freak out because they don't won't to cook dinner, as if they can't add ingrediants together and make food.
Then dad comes in and takes over.
if you want to make dinner, make dinner. Don't yell at me to make dinner, thell me what I'm doing is COMPLETELY wrong, and take over.
If you wanted to make dinner in the first place, make it your damn self.

More complaining.

This morning I got a message from a friend of mine.
Pretty much saying that my relationship is crap.
That Ryan is crap.
She can't believe I'm dating him.
Blah blah blah.
I mean, really?
I don't know who she thinks she is, but this is deffinately not her business.
If he was punching and hitting me, breaking my arm and whatnot, sure, she has every right to tell me he sucks, but I think I would get it by then.
He doesn't suck, to say the least.
Actually, he's quite fantastic.
So, yeah, I'm dating him.
Happily and fantasticly.
Wrap you're mind around it; I don't need your two cents.

Next blog will be happy, all right? Promise.

So, hey blog.

Let me tell you about my night.

I was lying in bed, reading Hoot, when I hear my dad call for me.
Now, mind you, it's 11:30 at night.
He tells me that the cat got out.
She's an indoor cat and likes to climb trees.
And not just ten foot trees that I can climb and carry her down.
No, I'm talking four-story trees with absolutely no bottom branches until, say, 2/3 of the way up.
I walk back upstairs and grab my dinosaur flashlight. Important detail? No, but I like my flashlight.
I end up walking around the block in boxers and a t-shirt with this flashlight that roars, looking for a cat.
I find her chasing around another cat. Awesome.
I pick her up, and begin walking back to my house.
Once I enter the door, my dad sees me holding the brat, he yells "GIVEHERABATH."
No breath. One, angry word.
So, reluctantly, I walk with her upstairs, and into the bathroom.
Of course, the cat begins to go crazy, because she's not a fan of baths.
Obviously. She's a cat.
I fill the tub and give her a bath.
Oddly enough, she begins to... like it.
And she swims around, like it's no big deal.
She's just purring and swimming around, and I am incredibly confused.
We finish the bath, I rap her up in a towel, and take her to my room.
So, I'm sitting on my bed with a wet cat wrapped in a towel, and she falls asleep.
She falls asleep.
Really?
So, I wake her up, and think, 'hey, Samanatha is asleep. I think it's time for some payback.'
I stand up with the cat in my arsms, open Samantha's door, and jump on top of her bed.
Stick the cat in her face, and laugh histerically when she wakes up screaming.
Eventually, the cat and I go back to my room so I can brush her. It's about 1 A.M now.
She likes being brushed, but after a few minutes, she absolutely freaks out and attacks the brush and my hand.
Needless to say, I get angry at her and open the door.
She leaves.
A few minutes later, she's meowing apologeticlly at my door.
This goes on for a few minutes, until somehow she opens the door.
She walks up to my bed, meows, hops up, and falls asleep on my chest.

Kitty, I can't stay mad at you when you're being adorable.


Did I really just blog about my cat? Really?
This is how pathetic my life has become.
What a weird night.

Oh, the memories.

Ryan and I were talking today, and we stumbled upon the topic of memories.
He asked what my favorite memory was, or something of the sort.
My mind raced.
I remember March 17th, 2003.
In our small little town, in the court room.
I remember grandma leading my sister and I out of the courtroom, where my parents were divorcing.
I remember sitting with her and my young sister.
I remember being held by mom as she cried.
I remember Grammie pulling me away from hugging Mom and Grandma, and even Great-Grandma.
I remember Gandpa's hand on the window as we drove away.
I remember the plane ride, crying.
I remember every summer since fifth grade.
I remember the pouring of the salt into the wounds.
I remember them fighting through me.
I remember feeling unloved, by both of my families. Not from the lack of love or lack of attention, but from the abundance of fighting and bickering.
I remember having to emotionally fend for both my sster and I.
I remember feeling unwanted.

I couldn't remember a single happy thing that has happened in my life.

It's easy to dwell on the bad, the poor, the ugly. But that isn't going to get you anywhere.
There is just so much suck, it looks like it towers over everything else.
But if we could dwell on the possitive as much as we do the negative, that would be fantasic.
Yeah, maybe there is a lot of suck in the world, there always will be.
But if we could just shrug off the suck and focus on the good, things would be better.
Of course, we all have the days when all we can do is dwell on the terrible things, but if you sit back and realize all of the possitives in our lifves, it becomes easier.
A checks and balances for the soul.

It's hard to sound possitive when you feel so negative.
But if one, lonely, 16-year-old girl who has yet to do anything for this world can do it, anyone can.

DFTBA.

The truth.

No, I can't talk to most people in person.
Sucks, but it's the cold hard truth.

You can be mad at me, please complain about me to your next lover. It won't be tough.
Just let her know that your ssmile is poison.
Yes, I've changed a lot. It's what happens when you have months and months of soul searching.
Now that I know you can't stand this, I'm absolutely fine with it. You are not breaking my heart, sweety.


On a possitive note, today has been a fantastic day.
And I have not had a fantastic day in a long, long time.
We went to the library for a concert, Jackie, Ryan and I.
It was nice, quite nice.

Oh:
http://summerlightsdream.blogspot.com/
More on this later.

Rescued by a sinking ship.

Molly and I were conversing the other day.
We were talking about boys.
Cliche. Awesome.
Well,  pretty much it lead to us talking about a person we will henceforth refer to as BOY.
That should work. Yes.
Well, she pretty muc said I need to get over BOY and move on with my damn life.
Yes, this woul be VERY nice, and I would appreciate it a lot.
You know, if I could get over him , and whatever.
But I said something that I found very insightful. (Not to toot my own horn, I would just like to remember it in future days.)
She said I should try liking someone else, which I have, a bit. *fail.*
But whenever I do it feels like I'm being rescued by a sinking ship.
And that's exactly how I feel.
Maybe it'll rescue me for a moment, but we're still going down.

We talked further and came to a few conclusions:
1. I don't expect anything. At all from this boy.
2. Yeah, it is getting old and yeah, I do need to move on.
3. Things are harder said than done.
4. Teenage girls suck and are very cliche.
5. Sometimes I care too much, and other times I don't care at all. I have a whole rainbow of emotions just for you.
6. I was/am a jerk. But I hope I can be a jerk with you.
7. I am a pansy for not actually verbalizing this with you. At all.
8. "We're done with this conversation. You want my pudding?"

Molly....

is doing better, actually. Awesome.
We may go snail hunting this week, if the doctors allow it.
Fingers crossed.

On another note...

I do miss you, a lot.
But I'm not waiting around.
Or something.

Whatever.
Hermitism.

I need some sleep, so here goes nothing.

I can't get over you, all right?
After all of these months, I still miss you.
I still wish we could just nap together.
I wish we could hang out like we used to.
I wish we were as close as we were before.
I'm sorry I was such an ass.
If I could go back and do anything over again, I would fix the end. It was completely my fault for blowing up every single little thing.
I want you back, all right.
And now that you're completely moved on and liking other people and whatever, I miss you even more.
I miss your goofy smile.
I miss the way you used to hold me.
I miss being able to joke around with someone.
I miss, well, everything.
All right?
All right.

I miss you. More than you can even imagine.
And if there is any chance at all, that you see this -I doubt it, but hey, at least I got it out- I will be one happy camper.
Or not. Who cares.
I do. About you.
Whatever, sometimes I get little crushed on other people, but it always goes back to you, and it just sucks.

So there. I hope you're happy.
In general. I hope you're happy.
Always.

Molly, for a lack of a better title.

I was talking with Molly yesterday about what she wished she had done before all of this had started.
She told me about this boy she thought was attractive in her school. She never told him she thought this, so nothing ever happened. She wished she had done something, because you never know what could have been.

I think she's hinting.

Reasons to Happy Dance.

I have two right now.

There were nerds on America's Got Talent last night who made music with LIGHTNING.
I'm as close to love as I'll ever get.

This: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Life/Relationships/Man-Woman/Chubby-men-as-attractive-as-men-with-six-packs/articleshow/5968443.cms
I'm not the only one, eh? (;


Update: Molly hasn't gotten better, but she hasn't gotten worse.

But two happy dances in 48 hours?
That's never happened before.
Get well soon, Molly. Let's make it three.

Molly.

An update:
She isn't doing well.
I got a call from her mom last night saying she wasn't responding well to the chemo, and was having seizures.
Not good.
She also isn't eating very much, but that's obvious.
But still not good.
I didn't sleep last night.
I miss her.
Fingers crossed for a quick and speedy recovery.


P.S. I'm looking for a Tardis for the Molly Adventure (temp. name) this summer.
Anyone know where I can find one?

P.P.S. Who am I kidding. Nobody reads this. I'm just talking to myself via computer.
Hey, it helps get the thoughts out.

Updates of hospitalized Molly.

Molly's still in the hospital, of course.
I received the news this morning that she has lukemia.
She's such a pretty, smart, intelligent girl; She doesn't deserve this at all.
Around ten she called and we talked until about one.
We talked about school, and how much she's going to miss the last bit of her freshman year.
We talked about what's been going on.
We talked about how, when she gets out, we're going to have a huge sleepover and party for weeks on end.
When she gets out, it will be so great.
My heart goes out to her family right now.
Man, I miss her.
Her mom may come pick me up after school to go see her, which will not be easy.
She starts treatment today, I believe.
I hope she feels good enough for a visit.

Hold on, Molly. Everything is going to be okay.