All the things.

Something I realized:
Whenever I meet new people- online or otherwise
[Come on. We all know it's online.] Shut up. I'm trying to make a point.-
Once they ask "So what do you like to do?" or "What are your hobbies?"
I pretty much know the conversation will either go no where or be forced and awkward.

Who the fuck am I.

Deadpool thing I tried up there. Get it? No? Moving on.

Here is how nights seem to go for the past few days. Nights. Whatever:
It's three in the afternoon. Suddenly, I am awake. 
Or any where before three. I'm not picky. 
Look at phone. Everyone seems to need me before noon. 
I let them all down, not caring like the bad ass mother fucker that I am.
I text like, two, maybe three of these people back.
I'm so fucking popular.
Cough out a lung.
Hate plague.
Die.
Foreplay skype with Dillon.
Watch an episode or two of Walking Dead.
Really just killing time until the sun sets.
That's when the fun starts.
Play a game or two of LoL while making fun of fatty.
Die countless times.
Ensure that we lose.
Really, I give him many more reasons to make fun of me than he does.
Because you're fat.
That's right. You.
You're a fatty.
Good thing I'm into that.
Four hour Skype call.
Feel way too fucking sappy.
Insult Dillon again.
Y' know.
For good measure.
Complain about my hair.
And everything else.
Hang up.
Text. 
Watch more Walking Dead.
Sleep. 
Or not.
More often, not.
At least not until what most people would consider 'Mid-morning.'
Fuck you, most people.

Sleep.
Lately, I've been going to sleep when I feel like it. 
Not saying 'oh damn. It's nine in the morning. Maybe I should sleep.'
Fuck that. 
Once it hurts to keep my eyes open, that's when I sleep.
And I sleep pretty soundly, and not for very long.
It's nice. I can run all day on three solid hours.

Then again, that's three hours for being sick in bed.
Yay.

I'm loving being single right meow.
Although I could listen to that damn voice all night. 
I do miss being allowed to be openly cheesy about everything, though.
Fuck feelings. Whatever happens, eh? In general. About everything.
Kind of weird. For once, I'm not just, diving head first into anything.
Just kind of, letting it be. Let it do it's own thing.
Not thinking too much about anything. 
Not over analyzing every little thing.
Much more... relaxing. 
It's so nice. 

Then again, it could just be lack of emotional need.
I do miss the closeness.
Falling asleep next to someone, waking up to kisses.
Ah man. Kissing. 
Holding hands. 

Like for once I feel like a human. A whole human.
Not needing anyone to fill some kind of vacancy.
Emotionally full?



The fuck am I talking about.

I can lift a car.

Well. Here we are.

Enough time has passed that I do not feel bad about moving on. But I still kind of do.
Meh.
I still have to fucking call him.
How could you do this to someone. 
Not so much the breaking up with, but all the other stuff.
How can you turn around so fast. What did I do.

ANYWAY.

I got a dick pic tonight.
;3

I have the plague. Hardcore.

I got Emily a flask for her birthday. Hurray. And a mug.
I made you a fucking mug. 
Happy fucking birthday.
Now I can fucking swear at you and shit.
Fucking 18.
But not yet.
Meow meow meow.

I've lost a bit of weight lately. 
My collarbones look pretty awesome, if I do say so myself. 

Maybe I'll start putting up pictures of shit I draw. Will do.

I've been watching a butt ton of Walking Dead lately. 
I am hooked. 

I wish I had something interesting to say.
Life is dull. 

Remember when I tried to draw the Hulk, but it just looked like Justin Bieber? 
BIEBER SMASH.
This notebook has little pictures of musicians on each page. 
Cute.

 

I am sad.

To whoever gooogled this, Hi.

Everything sucks right now.  
Brian dumped me hardcore.
Like a sack of potatoes.
Like last years shoes.

It was really out of the blue, too. Not like 'we have a problem, let's try to fix it.'
Just, 'hey, I don't love you anymore. Sucks, doesn't it.'
Yeah. It does.

So I get to be a whiny bitch about it, for however long I want. 
It happened last Tuesday, for the record.
The day after I made the 'Obi Wan' mug. 
So, I have an Obi Wan mug. It mocks me.

I'm not as sad as I'm letting on.
Not as sad as I was.
I cried the entire first day.
I was in such shock.
The second day was easier. Mildly.
I've been progressively crying less and less. 
Like backwards cry contractions.
It's like a constantly level of adequate sadness, 
then insane highs of sadness.
Then back down again.
Again and again and again.











j
James and Pete have really been helping me.
And I can't thank them enough.




I want to document how sad I am right now.
So I can remember.
And whatnot.



I know we weren't together for all that long,
but he promised me so much.
The first (and only) time he ever even vaugely mentioned that he was worried about my age,
Well, that was the first time he ever told me he loved me.
So, forgive me for thinking that you were okay with it.

Then not long after, he told me he wanted me to move in with him. 
"After the holidays."
Then he said he wanted to put it off "just a month or two."
So I didn't bother to get another job for "just a month or two."
I had even been looking at jobs down in Gardner. Oh well.


Today, I met a girl who moved to the next town over from Gardner.
And a guy who works with Brian.
All by coincidence. 
 All by sucky coincidence.

I am sad. 

After the whole fiasco with Ryan, at least I had some kind of happiness for a few months.
I'm not trying to make him feel bad or anything,
I don't hate him.
I just wish he knew how bad it hurts.

Plus, he isn't just going to go away forever. 
He still has my favorite pants, watchmen, a bunch of books, probably a few socks. 

I am sad.

Fuck everything.

Don't you dare think of me as a bitch. Ever. You have no right. Compared to what you did to me, I'm a fucking angel. You have no right to do this shit to anyone, for any reason. What reason did you have? I'm a bit younger than you. At least I respected you. I never lied to you. I always told you when there was something wrong. You didn't have the balls to tell me you didn't love me anymore. And that is the lowest of the low. When your friends ask what happened, you better not lie to them either. Tell them the truth. Tell them that you - a supposedly super old super awesome guy who is better than everyone who is a bit younger than you- broke this 18-year old little girls heart because he was too chicken shit to tell her the truth before it was too late, keeping the lies going until the very end. In actuallity, this "young" girl has more guts than you ever will. Tell them you were an ass to her. 
Plus, breaking up over text? Who is the teenage girl here?

Never forget how you felt tonight.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is one month away.
I was trying to think of something I could do for Brian.
I was thinking of getting him a nice present, maybe a sonic toothbrush or another rubiks cube or something.
But nothing felt right.
It all felt very.... commercial.
None of it felt right.
It just felt kike more meaningless shit that anyone could get him.

Then it came to me.

There has been this picture floating around the internet of someone who did this:

It can't be bought anywhere, this person hand made it. (I assume. Looks handmade.)
So I decided to do the same. I dd a rough sketch in my notebook and it looks pretty good.
So tomorrow I am going to go out and get a mug from the dollar tree and do it.
It might not be in color and I will have to wash it forever, but it will be so worth it.
Maybe I'll get a box of chocolate shaped like darth vader too.

I am genuinely excited to give him this.
Handmade with love and whatnot.
I'm even a little emotional about it.
Maybe I'll even get super special water proof paint for it too.
Maybe I'll make one for myself with an angler fish on it. :D

Merp.

I guess I could update.
So, let's get to it, eh? 

Part 1: Not moving.
I'm not sure if I wrote about this, but I was going to be moving in with Brian "just after the holidays." 
So I should already be moved and settled in by now. 
But it didn't work out that way. 
I asked him about it a week or some before christmas and he said something along the lines of he wants to live alone for a bit longer.
It makes sense, it really does. He hasn't lived alone before, thought he would hate it, blah blah blah.
But it hurt. 
It really really hurt.
I got too excited, my hopes built up to much.
And the way he said it, so easily. It was like he didn't really want me to live with him ever.
Like I was just some rebound chick.
And really, I'd be fine with that. If that's what he wanted, just some rebound bitch, that would be fine, I would just want to know.
So I don't look like an idiot.
(Again.)
But the next day he said it was only going to be a month or two. 
I really hope that's the truth. I don't have any reason to not believe him (Except for the bit where I had to ask if he was serious about me moving in.) and I really don't want to get my hopes up like that again.
So I'm not going to get my hopes up.
Which brings me to...

Part 2: Lackluster (the sequel!)
I haven't been excited about anything lately.
Maybe it's fear of getting my hopes up again?
But I haven't been excited or happy or anything about a damn thing.
Which sucks.
I really really REALLY like being excited about things.
It's one of the perks of being a nerd. 
I like that I can get really excited about everything and be open about it.
But there is nothing to get excited about. 
Maybe I just need something awesome to follow through, and that will kind of get me excited about things again.
I'm not blaming getting my hopes up on Brian, don't twist my words.
I totally understand his whole thing about waiting, it makes all the sense in the world.
I just want to be excited about something.

Part 3: Shoes.
I ordered shoes today, from Debs.
They're cute.
I'll put up a picture once I actually get them.
WOO.
I ordered a few bras too. But whatever.

Part 4: Oswin Freaking Oswald.
You know what, this deserves an entire post.
So that's next.

Part 5:
I have nothing else.

Part 6: River Song
is my spirit animal.
That makes sense.