Numbers.

I've been thinking about numbers quite a bit today.
Mostly the numbers of the last couple months.
I have been homeless for eight months. 
I've lived in nine places in the past eight months. 
(Soon to be more. Apartment shopping on Tuesday.)
In four months, I will be eighteen.
I need $800 for a trip in April, which I'm not going to be able to go on.


I've been single for four months.
(It's been a good four months.)
You have been in it again for about four.
I wrote fifty-four things that I love about you on a deck of cards.
It was originally a list of roughly one hundred. 
Every single one is 100% true.
In the past two months, I have seen you four times.
We have had ten dates.
You have shown up to two.
The first two.
Two months ago.
I have dyed my hair twice.
Since we have hung out, I've dyed my hair twice.
I have seen you for an accumulative five minutes over the past two months.
Both of those times being during school in the past two weeks.
I am worth 2.5 minutes per month?
Thanks.


Anyway.
I feel good.
Confidence is flowing throughout ever part of my body.
Because I'm an independent single bitch.
Why am I sitting around?
It doesn't make any sense to me. 
Heinhold has reminded me time and time again.
"If you don't respect yourself, why should any one else?"


And the truth is, you don't.
If you blow me off on Wednesday, I'm out.
Sorry, 8:2 is an unacceptable ditch:date ratio.
I should be out by now, I've given too many 'last chances.'
It's about time I respect myself.


For the past two months, it's been "what am I doing wrong?"
I hate to say it, but I'm not doing anything wrong.
I may be a bitch some times, but I'm giving 100% and for what?
The ditch:date ratio is true.
I'm 80% of this damn relationship, you're giving me 20% crap.
"It's never enough for you, why is it never enough? Why can't you ever be pleased?"

You haven't given me much to be happy about.
When I'm excited about something, I tell everyone. 
I always get excited about our plans.
I tell people we are going to do something.
Then you blow me off.
Again and again and again and again. 
They hear about it.
Hell, even the Laramie director doesn't like you.
It's about time I start listening to my friends.

I'm clearly in it for your dick anyway.


It's 11:30.
Bitch time over.

For what it's worth.

It's Tuesday.
Tuesday?
Tuesday.
I have a fever.
Still.
It's been two weeks now.
But that's okay, because I'm functioning.
So it's cool.
Or hot.
Fevers are weird.

Anyway.

Hi.

I'm supposed to have a date today, but, well, we know how those last seven went.
So we will see.
If not, I'm still going to party.
I have a $25 Hannaford giftcard, so I'm going to have some cheese sticks for dinner.
Maybe some potato salad.
And a chocolate orange!
I haven't had one in ages.
I haven't been able to find them for ages.
They are super good.
And I am excited that I found them at Hannaford.
But they're four dollars, which I didn't have at the time, but now I do.
I'm pumped.
Chocolate is good.

We are starting secret flammer today.
I love secret flammer.
We have maybe 15 people doing it this year, which is  more than our entire group was last year.
It's exciting.
I would love to see where this group goes from here.
We have grown so much.

Oh!
Laramie!
I started writing about Laramie last Friday, but then the computer went
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZWHHHOOOOMMMMMMP.
So I stopped.
I cried.
I can admit that.
I am NOT a crier, but Laramie and the GSA, wow.
We all live through so much crap every day.
It's amazing that we can even handle it.
The day when I can walk down the hall and not be called 'faggot'
that will be the day.
I'm not even gay.
I mean, yeah, I like girls.
I like guys.
I like whoever.
Who are you to hate me for who I love?
That just doesn't make any sense.
I don't like putting labels to who I love, I'm open to anyone.
A heart of gold.
That's what I want.

I'm sleepy.
I need to sleep.
This vacation next week can not come fast enough.

Laramie.
Wow.
That was one of the greatest, most powerful experiences of my life.
I mean, the cast came together.
In the begginning, I remember talking to someone about how we ate dinner on the first late rehearsal.
It was all of the actors who had experience in one circle,
Then all of the freshman, new actors and myself in another circle.
As the late night rehearsals went on, our circles merged.
It was crazy.
We became one as it went on.
Then the cast party after the final show.
Wow.
It seems silly, but most of the people I talked to, I never had before.
I talked to this one guy, let's call him Peter.
And it wasn't anything like we were pouring our hearts out to eachother,
but it was just... weird.
We talked about tiny hams and songs and how 'faboulous' and 'honey' should be words spoken by everybody.
But I felt this certain... closeness. It was weird.
We were all one.
And the techies, oh the techies.
For a usual show, we might have a dozen techies, usually stage hands, moving furnature, starting out during tech week.
I showed up to every rehearsal.
The light guys started the week before tech week.
Garrett and Joey.
Joey plays Tuba in the band, Garrett plays saxaphone, so I have known them for a while.
But we grew closer as the weeks went on.
Then Emily stepped in as stage manager for stage left.
So on show night, it was me one stage right, Emily stage left, Joey and Garrett in the booth.
Laughing as we told stories during story time, holding hands when support was needed, just being there for eachother.
The four of us.
The smaller cast and tiny crew might be small in size, but our hearts are giant.

We had talk backs with the audience after the Friday and Saturday shows and it was just so emotional.
The final night, we had a bunch of alumni at the show, including my ex-girlfriend.
She thanked us all.
For being brave enough to be able to step forward and put on this powerful show.
Her friend, the directors daughter, talked about how important this show is.
How everyone just needs to be more excepting.
It was just so crazy.
I don't even know how to explain it anymore.

All right.
Time to do some math homework.
Advanced math topics, you are a joke.

Jeans and aliens.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKtTA57gMLw&feature=BFa&list=UUGaVdbSav8xWuFWTadK6loA&lf=plcp

I. Agree.
You should talk for your clothes and not the other way around.

Maybe-Mythical creatures. Let's talk about it.
I had a talk last night with a friend of mine.
We talked about aliens and big foot and whatnot.
I believe...
I believe in possiblity.
I believe that anything is possible.
I believe people try to trick us.
But I still believe.
Aliens: Heck yes there are aliens.
I don't know. I mean, there is just so much space.
Something else has to be out there.
I'm not saying all life has to be like we are, thinking, breathing, whatever.
It could be completely completely different.
It could maybe not breath, not think, not need the intake of food, whatever. Who knows?
I don't know, the universe is crazy.

Sick

Library day.
Quick blog, because I want to go nap.

So I bought a new pair of headphones for myself.
And they're already breaking. Meh.

Today I interviewed Zach.
Again.
The first time I had a pretty good interview with him and a few others.
After the first minute, the recorder crapped out.
Woo.
So we did it again today, as we were just so... uggggh.
I asked a few questions, got simple answers.
We were both just so done.
Then we layed down for a few minutes.
It was necessary.

I'm sick.
I was sicker this weekend, but I'm still sick.
All congested and whatnot.

On Friday, Devon and I went shopping.
I bought myself a ring and a copy of The Hunger Games.
They are pretty.
We stayed out until about 7:30, then we went to his house, wrapped a present for his mom, had dinner while watching Captain America, then he drove me home.
And we sat in the driveway.
And just talked.
Around 11 we decided the night was not over.
We went to Greely so he could pee.
Then we walked around a little and hugged a Christmas tree.
Then stood in a small little building and talked.
Then got back in the car.
Went to my driveway.
Then we went to Wal Mart.
It was closed.
Since when does Wal-Mart close?!
So we went back to my drive way.
And cuddled.
Until two in the morning.
Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men came on the radio.
It was awesome.
Then I went inside, because it was 2 and I was sick.
It was a good night.

Tech Week.
Day 1: I am sick.
I was packing my dinner for tonight, seeing as we will be here until 8 tonight.
I packed a small bag of chips, some trail mix, a granola bar, and a pack of crackers.
For desert, NyQuil.

Stay classy.

[This is the first post in a long time that had nothing to do with you, in whatever way. Huh.]

Excuses and Apologize.

I've never been a fan of excuses.
I understand that people use them,
but I avoid them at all costs.
I don't particularly like the word 'sorry.'
It is good sometimes, such as when you know you were wrong and admit such.
Saying 'sorry' is admitting you are wrong.
Journalist NEVER say sorry.
I think that should be rule number 1 of journalism. Never say sorry. Ever.
Anyway.
I don't like excuses.
There shouldn't be any.
If you are supposed to do something, then do it.
It's not that hard.
I mean, have responsibilities.
Don't make promises you know you can't keep.
Yeah, excuses are fine every once in a while.
But I will never, NEVER, place the blame on someone else.
If I didn't do something, it's because of me.
There is always something I could have done.
Which is why I don't like complaining.
But I do it a lot.

You know an apology from me is legitimate.
It's rare for me to think I'm wrong, mostly because social conversation is mostly opinion.
My opinion is never wrong to me.

Buddha pocket.

I keep two small coin purses in my back pack.
Ruck sack. Bag. Whatever.
One has a cupcake design. I got in in eigth grade, maybe.
I keep coins in that one, maybe a button or two.
The other is make out of some kind of yarn. It's rainbow.
My money was rainbow colored for all of freshman year.
In this one, I keep my flash drives, my junior year ID and a small Buddha statue.
We are doing podcasts in journalism.
I had to borrow a recorder so I can conduct some interviews today.
I don't like leaving stray electronics in my bag, especially when they aren't mine.
One of the flashdrives went to Greene, so he could pass it on to Zach.
(Zach celebrated NaNoWriMo this year and is allowing me to read it. I'm weirdly excited.)
The recorder wouldn't fit in the coin purse.
I took the Buddha out, stuck it in my pocket.
The recorder fits just fine now.

I have a loose Buddha in  my pocket.

Every time I write one of these, I try to add something new about myself, not just 'this is how my day went, blah blah blah.'

I have a small Buddha and I almost always have it with me.
I would always carry it, if it didn't have a point.
It pokes me in the side constantly.
Almost like a small reminder;
It's always there.

Tubatubatuba.

The Turkey Bowl was the other day.
My last Turkey Bowl ever.
I guess it's different if you're just a passerby
but the band is a family.
It's crazy.
I was nearing tears the entie day.
I love you guys so much, there are no words.
All of the seniors get a little card to write to whomever helped them through the season the most, who has helped them the most over their four year span.
I wrote mine to the tuba section.
Told them how much I love them, how much I'm going to miss them.
I told Joeseph I still want a copy of his book.
I told them to take care of Gus, to teach him the ways of the section.
I told Joeseph that we must go to games next year and mock them with our food.
Most importantly, I asked them to please, PLEASE try not to kill eachother.
We've had some close calls.

Hailley is challenging Justin.
Which means Hailley thinks she would make a better section leader than Justin is and wants to put him to the test.
TC is the judge, of course.
The showdown is
Justin is upset because he was going to challenge Hailley last year, but didn't, so she could have her moment.
He should have done it, yeah.
She is doing it.
Who will win?
I don't know.
I'll be honest, I'm kind of worried for the outcome.
I will have to be both proud and sorry at the same time.
I love them both.
Either way, I'm kind of glad they are going head to head.
It shows they are growing and won't be stepped on anymore.
They will be something in this crazy messed up world.

I love you guys. <3

The number 8

18 posts in 2011 (this will make 19).
81 posts in 2010.
8 posts in 2009.
8 dates with you. (Net dates, I will call them. Sure, you only showed up to two of them. Net.)

Weird. But not really.

Sleepy.

You know what, let's talk about that.
Yeah, I have had six dates solo.
I don't care.
Things happen.
Excuses, excuses.

Last night sucked.
Yeah, I am greatful that I will get to see you at all.
I mean, I'm fine with a blown off date every once in a while, I understand that things come up.
But when it's six in a row, SIX, then you tell me it can only be for such a short amount of time.
It hurt.
If we were both so busy that we could never see each other and that half hour was it, I could deal with that and i would be more than ecstatic.
But you've skipped out six times.
It's like I'm not worth it.
I am excited to see you, every time.
I hide it so you won't see how hurt I actually am.

I am not some little sissy girl.
But I have my moments.
Where I just want to be with you, to hold you hands, see your smile, hear your laugh.
If I continue to build myself up for every time you say we are going to do something,
and you continue to have excuse after excuse,
and I get crushed time and time again,
where would I be?
I wouldn't be able to get out of bed.

I just, I don't know.
I want to know everything about you.
I want you to open up to me.
To not be afraid to tell me what is running through your head at any given moment.
How every moment of your day was.
I want you to know everything about me.
My love of The Mountain Goats, Brett Dennen, Sia, Ok Go, Little Shop of Horrors, Neil Pattrick Harris, magic tricks, blogging, birds, Doctor Who, Dr. Horrible, my brother.
How there is a weird warmth surrounding my hands when I type.
How I find my music.

Maybe these are things for my blog, not for real life.
Where is the line drawn?
Between blog and real life.
It's thin, I can tell you that. And it blinks.
Ha. Get it.

.....

Well, just read that back. To post or not to post, that is the question.
Of course I'm going to post. I always post.
It's a rule.
But my list of things I love.
So lame.
But it's true. I don't have many loves. Those are some.
No matter how obscure.
Well, those ones, not so obscure.

On birds:
I nearly got hit by a car the other day.
There was a bald eagle (I swear!) downtown the other day.
I was busy identifying it while walking across the street.
(It pooped on my shoulder.)
And this truck comes out of nowhere.
Probably over reacting, I crossed in pleanty of time.
It was just so weird.
What was a bald eagle doing in the middle of downtown Nashua?

Another Monday in the library.
I'm not complaining.

An 'alien' skeleton has been found in Peru.
Please, take the time to search for the images, it shouldn't take long.

WHAT.
Skull abnormalities were not uncommon in Peru around the time that this skeleton dates back to.
Now, I believe entirely that aliens exsist.
I mean, this universe is giant; we can't be the only ones.
Also, the whole 'living organisms need this, this, this and this excuse really bothers me.
Who is to say that on other plants living things don't need these things?
Anyway.
I would LOVE if there was legitimate evidence of aliens visiting Earth.
Unfortunately, this is probably not it.
Who is to say they would look even relitively like humans anyway?
They might be blobs.

Thing get better before they get worse.

Let's talk music.

Currently I'm listening to Brett Dennen.
Specifically Comback Kid and Little Cosmic Girl.
'When it rains, it pours, but then it runs out.'
That is a beautiful line, in my opinion.

I've been trying my hand at some recipes.
I'm a vegitarian. I'm the only one in the apartment of three- dad, younger sister, and I.
Therefore, I'm outnumbered.
But I am the only one who cooks.
Yup. I cook meat.
I cook dinner for them and usually have a sandwich or pasta for myself.
I put all of my effort into their food, then I'm too tired and hungry to make anything half way decent for myself.
But that's okay. I like cooking and making people happy.
So sister says to me one day, that she wants pigs in a blanket.
Okay, I'll take a shot at it.
I've made them three times now and I think I have it right.
The first time I made them,  I took a hot dog, wrapped it in a whole piece of cheddar cheese and a cresent.
They oozed everywhere and it took hours to scub off the cookie sheet.
The hotdogs weren't cook completely either.
The next time I used punctured the hot dog in several places before wrapping them and used half of the cheese.
The verdict was not cheesy enough, but the hotdog cooked.
Last time I slit the dog in have, leaving a small bit attached at both ends.
I put the cheese in the middle.
They came out perfect!
I wouldn't know first hand.
It's hard to be a chef when you can't taste your own food.

I love me some cresents, though.

Sia.
OH MY.
She is so good!
I can't stop listening to We Are Born.
It's almost like an alternate universe Florence and the Machine.

I need to finish this column.

Stay a little longer.

Helvetica.
What a lovely font.

I'm having a really tough time writing this article.
I have to write a column about something I am the expert in.
Initially I was writing about concert/marching band and why everyone should experience something like it.
Greene said to go broader and do performance, since most people won't want to join a band.
I don't see why not.
I won't trade this family for anything.
And that massive tuba.
I love it.

I'm not so great at this whol blogging thing.
Although I have been doing a lot, lot, lot more of it lately.
Sometimes I read back over old posts and think 'wow. That seems really (pew) dumb now.'
Yeah. I'm 17. Some of the things I say are going to be girly and dumb.
I apologize for that ahead of time.

Can't Stop

I like you, all right?

Now that that is over, let's move on, shall we?

Today I was given a gift.
It is lovely and it makes me feel tough.
Black eye.
Well, kind of. It might be a black eye.
It's kind of blue on my right eye, to the left on my nose/eye part and to the right. On the bottom too.
Nobody has said anything, so i must not be that noticable.
Sweet.
But still.
Wanna know how I got it?
Sleeping.
Yup.
I woke up this morning with a black eye.
I'm a rouch tough tumbling bitch.

It's raining. Which is unfortunate. I was really hoping to go for a walk this afternoon, instead of sitting in the library for fourth block again. No such luck.
People in here keep mistaking me fo a man.
I'm. Not. A man.
Not even close, actually.

Today is Thursday. Tomorrow is Veterens day.
Which means I will spend the morning in the city parade with my family.
The band.
Man, I'm going to miss you guys here in a few months.
It's crazy that I will be graduating in roughly seven months.

Somtimes I find this whole 'blogging' thing kind of creepy.
I mean, it's not rare for me to be flipping though blogs using the 'next blog' button.
I have seen many blogs.
I don't judge, really.
I like seeing what other people are doing.
I'm going to start adding pictures here.
Even though I don't particularly enjoy photography.
Tourism should not be a spectator sport.
But like I said, I'll be graduating in seven months.
So I want to document my last few months.
Who knows whether or not I will leave this little city or not?
I love Nashua.
Not many people will say that, but I love this city.
Love love love it.
Yeah, I'm sure there are a lot of good cities out there, some even better than Nashua.
But Nashua is the only city of it's kind.
Three high schools. A baseball stadium, a football stadium, a skating rink, crazy amounts of woods.
Half an hour from Boston, an hour to the woods, maybe an hour to Vermont, not long to Maine.
We are the perfect city for those half-way couples.
The ones where they will like the city and the woods.
Want to go to Boston for the afternoon, then head out to go camping in the morning? Nashua is the perfect place for that.
Especially depending on where you live, the city completely changes.
I lived up near one of the three elementry schools for years. It was nice. Half an hours walk from down town, half hour to the school. I lived in 'North territory.' It was so quite. Right by the river.
Another thing. The two public high schools are on the edge of a lake. I love that.
It's the best of both worlds.

But I've got to get out of here.
It's not that I have to get out of Nashua, persay.
I just have to go somewhere.
Travel.
Even if it is just around the country, doing whatever the heck I want.
I've been single for threeish months.
And this crazy 'I can do whatever I want whenever I want, whereever I want with whoever I want' feeling has completely taken over.
I love it.
I mean, I made this dress and I'm really, really proud of it.
(Every time I write/type the word 'really' or 'very' I say a silent 'PEW' to myself, because it's bad. Therefore I must mentally shoot the word away. So, PEW PEW.)
Insanely proud.
I wore it. In public.
Which I NEVER would have thought about doing while in a relationship.
But I did it.
To the Music Department Halloween Party.
And I got compliments.
A lot.
Well, more than I usually do.
Which isn't that many.
So it isn't saying much.
ANYWAY.
I felt confident.
It was amazing.
I can do this.
I can do anything.

Friday

I feel odd today.
Well, right now, mostly because I'm sitting in the library watching Chralieissocoollike.
And I can't. stop. laughing.
Oh goodness. Shoking Myself. Shouldn't be as funny as it is.
I guess it's funnier because I'm trying to be quiet.
You know. Library.
Now, usually, I'm not a Charlie fan-girl.
But I'm watching Fun Science: Sound. And for some reason he is attractive.
Maybe I'm attracted to knowledge. Science. Books.
And puns.
I love puns.

This girl sitting next to me is singing.
It is actually lovely and soothing.
Charlie in one ear. Her singing in the other.
Usually I don't like listening to two things at once. In fact, I can't listen to music and someone talk at the same time (Besides the fact that it is incredibly rude.)
But now. it's soothing. Like an acoustic guitar played solely to you. Mh.

So yesterday was the North vs. South game. And it was AWESOME. South won 47 to nothing.
Plus, the band. Me likes the bands.
Tonight, I was asked to go hangout with Alex and Cesar.
Then tomorrow it's the Salem Band Show.
Then Sunday.
Then Monday is Coumbus Day.
Woo!
Time to look at Senior Pictures.

Another modified day.

Library time.
Yep.
It's one of those days.
So I sit here, watching Vlogbrothers.
And Nerimon.
I've caught up on John and Hank and now it's time for some Alex.
I miss YouTube.

Today the tubas and the bari saxes are going to the football game that the marching band got rained out of.
Tomorrow I am going hiking with Andie.
Sunday going to Blue Man Group for the first time. Super excited.

It's 1:12. What am I doing.

Hm. Well.
There are a lot of ginger freshman this year.
Not that gingers are bad and not the freshman are bad.
Just an observation.

Anyway.

Man, I love these guys.

Well, my bus didn't show up again this morning.
Well, it did, but SUPER late. I got to school at 7:30, 20 minutes after the Alvirne bus left. Crazy.
So, I'm sitting in the library. I think I have maybe 45 minutes left.
I'm watching vlogbrother videos.
Holy. Crap.
I miss this. SO MUCH.
These guys are my brothers.
Is this how Buddha's disciples felt?
No. Probably not.
But that's an interesting subject.
ONWARDS.
Man.
I feel awesome today. Don't know why.
I just feel.... awesome.
Even if I didn't go to Alvirne.
Even if the bus showed up super late.
Lately I've been just... happy.
Who ever is doing this to me,
making me calm, happy, smily,
Thank you.
Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

That is all. Goodbye.

Hello to Peter.

Who is apprently stalking me online.
Thanks for that. Makes me feel important.
Even if it is super creepy, you creepy freshman, you.
And hi Ryan, who periodically reminds me that this blog still exists.
Thanks for that.
And goodbye to one man boy.
You can stay over there. Thanks for that.

Hm. What's been going on?
I have a cold. That sucks.
Head cold. Stuffy nose, head ache, sore throat, the whole shabang.

I need to get back into this writing thing.
I have Greene again this year, journalism, so I have time here to collect my thoughts as the blonde girl next to me talks about Kim Kardashian, Beyonce, and Taylor Swift.
Lovely.
Also, I have a modified fourth block every other day. I like that.
It lets me relax and read, or blog. Woah! Blogging! No way!
Google 'Mexico Blogger Hangings.' Not fun.
Insane.

First game on Saturday. I am so, so excited.
Football, I'm not so much of a fan of.
But the band is my family.

POST!

Terraira and Minecraft

Minecraft
I have been sucked in. First, by the Minecraft world. I could deal with that. Until I got bored.
I still like Minecraft and I still play it. But I just don't have anything to do anymore. I have an entire double chest filled with complete stacks of Diamond. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Terraria
I have been playing Terraria for about a month now. I have Molten Armour. All of the Molten gear. Nearly all of the equiptable items. I've beaten two of the three bosses and will battle the third today. I played Minecraft for months before I got 'bored.' I'll still play it, but I almost have all of the items in the game. Once I finish, I probably won't start up again. I could always start a new world, but nothing is 'undescovered' yet. I know all of the tools and all of the equiptable items. Once I get into the dungeon saftely and loot everything, there isn't much more I can do. Soon enough I will be completely done with this game. Which is fairly disappointing, seeing as I really like it.

I really like both of these games. They're mindless entertainment, like most games. I will be disappointed when I have nothing to do in either game.

Womp.

I'm sick of arguing.
No, you don't want to make up. First of all, if you were a true friend, you would have told me what was bothering you, not behind my back. Plus, a true friend would show me what other people say concerning me behind my back. Like he did. Thanks.
Honestly, I can't trust you right now. Mostly because you didn't tell me about what you did with her before I had to pry it out of you. I would rather know than find out later. (Proof) So, thanks for that. I told you what I did with him, and I was honest. It's not like we were never on the topic before. I just wish you would have told me earlier. It's almost like you didn't care enough to tell me. I don't care if you were ashamed or whatever, if you trusted and respected me as much as you say, you would have told me earlier. 
You have nothing to worry about. Seriously. You know everything I've done. Honestly. And if there is any more to your stories, tell me now, or there won't be a later. Everything you did when we were apart. Everything you did 'without strings attached.' (Yep that made me feel a LOT better, knowing that you could do that and not have any emotion attached at all. Thanks.) It's nice to know that you can be so frustrated that you can go off with some girl. What about when we're apart for weeks at a time? Why do you think that whenever you're turned on, I refuse to let it go unnoticed? Some girl can climb through that window at any time. They'd probably be more stealthy than me, too. 
I trust you. Keep that in mind. You're the first person I've ever fully trusted. but I still worry about even the stupidest little things, no matter how much you say they won't happen. I still worry. 

PETA.

Dear PETA,
You are insane. To save animals, you theaten people. Your regulations are redicoulous and nothing you do ever makes sense. Your standards are redicoulous. Sure, animals aren't treated as they should be. But you're not helping. Not the way you think you are, at least.
Also, in your catalog, things are rated with 'rabbits,' instead of stars. 4.5 rabbits. You cut apart a harmless little bunny. HIPOCRISY.

Just kidding,
Spence.

P.S. No seriously, you are insane.

Happy Birthday?

Today, I am the grat seventeen.
Now, birthdays have never had any kind of importance to me; it's just another day of the year.
April fourth. Right between April 3rd and April 5th. Just another day. Just another Monday.
I never ask for gifts. I have all I could ever want need. I don't need anything else. A book? It will be read once, twice maybe, three times if it's lucky, then tossed aside, sitting on the shelf, waiting. Clothes?  $20 shirt that will last me, how long? Maybea a year? Two if lucky? I'm a growing girl. Dinner and a movie? I will digest the meal; it will be gone in less than 24 hours. The movie, less than that. I don't like movies all that much anyhow.

See, I like durability. And you. You are forever.

Hypocrisy.

I hate being told how to do things.
How to live my life fits into this category.
Please don't teach me how to do something if I don't want to be taught.
I'm independent and need to learn on my own.
Don't tell me to come to school everyday. You're the last person who should be saying anything about attendance.

This stress sucks.
Last night I finally got home around 11ish and in bed by 11:15. I was overtired, as I wake up every morning at five. I was running on no sleep from the night before. When I am incredibly overtired, I can't sleep. I toss and turn for hours on end. I think about the day and stress builds up. I can't think straight. I cry. When I finally do fall asleep hours later, I have terrible night terrors. I don't sleep soundly when I become overtired. When I rise the next morning, I am not rested. Thrashing around all night leaves me worn out. The few hours of sleep I do get are filled with horror. This creates more stress, I can't sleep the next night, i become even more overtired.
Thus begins the vicious cycle of tech week.

No sympathy. I'm not asking for some slack. If anything, I need more work. no matter how much I complain, I need this.
Once I get too stressed out, I may stay home for a day. And sleep. Night after night of fucking terrors is stressful.
HOLY SHIT WHAT A FREAKING CONCEPT.
THINK before you say shit.
I didn't skip oyut on the concert.
How many court cases have you skipped out on? Who's done all of the work for them?
This is bullshit. I don't need your bullshit. Not a necessity, not a want.
An apology would have been nice, but I'm obviously not getting that.
'You don't understand'?
You're the one not understanding.

Ryan has told me to blog, thus blogging. ABout Minecraft.

It's 11:18, and I don't have a water bottle. WHERE IS MY WATER BOTTLE.
I spent a good majority f the morning designing a Minecraft castle. On paper.
I drew a blueprint or a Minecraft castle.
OH. DEAR. JESUS.
I. AM. A. NERD.
It's going to be AWESOME, though. Kind of a mid-evil town kind of thing. Book cases and cows and sheep and pigs and chickens and a castle and ohmygoodnessthisisgoingtobegreat.
I can't decide what the castle itself is going to look like. I have designed the walls and how large the surrounding barrier is going to be, but I can't pick a castle design.
NERD.

Waterbottlenowplease.
Going to grab one. CLASS. HURRAH.

Minecraft

Oh jesus. I'm blogging about Minecraft.
I mean, I guess it isn't so bad that I am doing this.
I have time to kill at school and I haven't blogged in a while.
Huh. It was only a matter of time.

I'm currently reading about Minecraft circuits. Redstone Circuits.
Oh jesus. I don't know if I can manage this. I mean, I have at least three 64 sections or Redstone, but this looks really complicated. I'm sure it's not this hard.

But I found more diamond yesterday. I want to say I have ten diamonds now, give or take. Maybe eight or nine.
Iwanttoplayrightnowohmygod.

I think when I get home I will make cake. I have a bunch of eggs and wheat. I may need some sugar, though. (Although I have sugar cane, let alone a sugar cane farm, so that is not an issue.)

OHOHOH. Devon and I were talking Minecraft last night at rehearsal, and apparently, if you collect lava in a bucket and put it in the furnace, it last for like, two hundred and some odd uses.
OHMYGOODNESS. I will never use coal in the funace again. Although, I don't like to waste furnace energy, so I will need a  whole bunch of stuff to melt down, but still. Plus, you loose the bucket, so maybe it isn't such a good idea. But, I mean, I can always make more buckets, right? I just need a BUNCH of iron. Like, an entire chest full before I try this out. 
(Note: I just found it on the wiki. It can burn 100 blocks, as apposed to the coal's eight.)

Sometimes this game pisses me off. But I love it.

WHY DO I LOVE THIS GAME SO MUCH.

A dream, a dream.

Last night, I had a dream.
About you.
The first in a long time.
It was so ridiculously peaceful.

We were aged ever so slightly. Maybe three years out of college. 
In the dream, I awoke. I heard your laugh from the kitchen, along with another smaller giggle.
I got up, went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth. (This was dumb, as it was morning and I was really hungry.) There was one sink, two toothbrushes. Two deodorants, two lotion bottles. 
I stretched and walked into the kitchen. There you were, sitting at the kitchen island with our nine-month-old son, laughing at the cheerio's he is sticking on his and your face, sprinkled on the ground. We all laugh with joy at our happy little family, at the beautiful morning, at the love we all share.
Good morning.

Mama Told Me Not To Come.

It's been.... a week.
I can't explain it. 
Sometimes I absolutely love you, want to spend every milasecond with you. 
But then you trot off to the other room to play a game with another girl (one you probably love/ed).
I don't care that you play, hell I support it. 
But if I am lower than it, then I don't know if I can do this.
Want to watch me grow up? Watch me walk out the door.
Who am I kidding, I'm not going anywhere. 

I will always be laying in the other room while you play games.  

Last post over a month ago? Unaceptable.

Lately I've felt I haven't been able to do anything right.
Last semester I was doing quite well in all of my classes. This semester, I'm doing.... average. 
I'm doing just fine in Plant Science. My veterinary grade is slipping ever so slightly. 
I'm not doing the greatest in Spanish. I mean, I know it all generally, but my spelling sucks and I can never remember everything. Thus far I have two chapters of flashcards, about 200 words.
I wake up two and a half hours early every morning to try to get them down. 
Capital of Honduras? Teg. Capital of Cuba? Lima. Capital of Uruguay? Montevido.  
¿Como se iiama? Me iiama es Lolita. 
That's probably completely wrong.
The spelling is what's getting me. Veinte, especially.
It's supposed to be 'i before e,' and that's throwing me off. 
I know the months, though. And days of the week. 
El es sabado de doce de febrero de dos mil y once. 
Boyah.


Still no friends. So, there's that. 
On the plus side, I am kind of starting to be better in U.S. History? Except, not really.


This family depends on me, and it's not easy. I'm 16-years-old, buying cat food, toilet paper, and all the groceries out of my wallet. 
And I'm starting to get low on money. I'm worried. 


This is my life. Hurray, 2011.