Numbers.

I've been thinking about numbers quite a bit today.
Mostly the numbers of the last couple months.
I have been homeless for eight months. 
I've lived in nine places in the past eight months. 
(Soon to be more. Apartment shopping on Tuesday.)
In four months, I will be eighteen.
I need $800 for a trip in April, which I'm not going to be able to go on.


I've been single for four months.
(It's been a good four months.)
You have been in it again for about four.
I wrote fifty-four things that I love about you on a deck of cards.
It was originally a list of roughly one hundred. 
Every single one is 100% true.
In the past two months, I have seen you four times.
We have had ten dates.
You have shown up to two.
The first two.
Two months ago.
I have dyed my hair twice.
Since we have hung out, I've dyed my hair twice.
I have seen you for an accumulative five minutes over the past two months.
Both of those times being during school in the past two weeks.
I am worth 2.5 minutes per month?
Thanks.


Anyway.
I feel good.
Confidence is flowing throughout ever part of my body.
Because I'm an independent single bitch.
Why am I sitting around?
It doesn't make any sense to me. 
Heinhold has reminded me time and time again.
"If you don't respect yourself, why should any one else?"


And the truth is, you don't.
If you blow me off on Wednesday, I'm out.
Sorry, 8:2 is an unacceptable ditch:date ratio.
I should be out by now, I've given too many 'last chances.'
It's about time I respect myself.


For the past two months, it's been "what am I doing wrong?"
I hate to say it, but I'm not doing anything wrong.
I may be a bitch some times, but I'm giving 100% and for what?
The ditch:date ratio is true.
I'm 80% of this damn relationship, you're giving me 20% crap.
"It's never enough for you, why is it never enough? Why can't you ever be pleased?"

You haven't given me much to be happy about.
When I'm excited about something, I tell everyone. 
I always get excited about our plans.
I tell people we are going to do something.
Then you blow me off.
Again and again and again and again. 
They hear about it.
Hell, even the Laramie director doesn't like you.
It's about time I start listening to my friends.

I'm clearly in it for your dick anyway.


It's 11:30.
Bitch time over.

For what it's worth.

It's Tuesday.
Tuesday?
Tuesday.
I have a fever.
Still.
It's been two weeks now.
But that's okay, because I'm functioning.
So it's cool.
Or hot.
Fevers are weird.

Anyway.

Hi.

I'm supposed to have a date today, but, well, we know how those last seven went.
So we will see.
If not, I'm still going to party.
I have a $25 Hannaford giftcard, so I'm going to have some cheese sticks for dinner.
Maybe some potato salad.
And a chocolate orange!
I haven't had one in ages.
I haven't been able to find them for ages.
They are super good.
And I am excited that I found them at Hannaford.
But they're four dollars, which I didn't have at the time, but now I do.
I'm pumped.
Chocolate is good.

We are starting secret flammer today.
I love secret flammer.
We have maybe 15 people doing it this year, which is  more than our entire group was last year.
It's exciting.
I would love to see where this group goes from here.
We have grown so much.

Oh!
Laramie!
I started writing about Laramie last Friday, but then the computer went
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZWHHHOOOOMMMMMMP.
So I stopped.
I cried.
I can admit that.
I am NOT a crier, but Laramie and the GSA, wow.
We all live through so much crap every day.
It's amazing that we can even handle it.
The day when I can walk down the hall and not be called 'faggot'
that will be the day.
I'm not even gay.
I mean, yeah, I like girls.
I like guys.
I like whoever.
Who are you to hate me for who I love?
That just doesn't make any sense.
I don't like putting labels to who I love, I'm open to anyone.
A heart of gold.
That's what I want.

I'm sleepy.
I need to sleep.
This vacation next week can not come fast enough.

Laramie.
Wow.
That was one of the greatest, most powerful experiences of my life.
I mean, the cast came together.
In the begginning, I remember talking to someone about how we ate dinner on the first late rehearsal.
It was all of the actors who had experience in one circle,
Then all of the freshman, new actors and myself in another circle.
As the late night rehearsals went on, our circles merged.
It was crazy.
We became one as it went on.
Then the cast party after the final show.
Wow.
It seems silly, but most of the people I talked to, I never had before.
I talked to this one guy, let's call him Peter.
And it wasn't anything like we were pouring our hearts out to eachother,
but it was just... weird.
We talked about tiny hams and songs and how 'faboulous' and 'honey' should be words spoken by everybody.
But I felt this certain... closeness. It was weird.
We were all one.
And the techies, oh the techies.
For a usual show, we might have a dozen techies, usually stage hands, moving furnature, starting out during tech week.
I showed up to every rehearsal.
The light guys started the week before tech week.
Garrett and Joey.
Joey plays Tuba in the band, Garrett plays saxaphone, so I have known them for a while.
But we grew closer as the weeks went on.
Then Emily stepped in as stage manager for stage left.
So on show night, it was me one stage right, Emily stage left, Joey and Garrett in the booth.
Laughing as we told stories during story time, holding hands when support was needed, just being there for eachother.
The four of us.
The smaller cast and tiny crew might be small in size, but our hearts are giant.

We had talk backs with the audience after the Friday and Saturday shows and it was just so emotional.
The final night, we had a bunch of alumni at the show, including my ex-girlfriend.
She thanked us all.
For being brave enough to be able to step forward and put on this powerful show.
Her friend, the directors daughter, talked about how important this show is.
How everyone just needs to be more excepting.
It was just so crazy.
I don't even know how to explain it anymore.

All right.
Time to do some math homework.
Advanced math topics, you are a joke.

Jeans and aliens.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKtTA57gMLw&feature=BFa&list=UUGaVdbSav8xWuFWTadK6loA&lf=plcp

I. Agree.
You should talk for your clothes and not the other way around.

Maybe-Mythical creatures. Let's talk about it.
I had a talk last night with a friend of mine.
We talked about aliens and big foot and whatnot.
I believe...
I believe in possiblity.
I believe that anything is possible.
I believe people try to trick us.
But I still believe.
Aliens: Heck yes there are aliens.
I don't know. I mean, there is just so much space.
Something else has to be out there.
I'm not saying all life has to be like we are, thinking, breathing, whatever.
It could be completely completely different.
It could maybe not breath, not think, not need the intake of food, whatever. Who knows?
I don't know, the universe is crazy.

Sick

Library day.
Quick blog, because I want to go nap.

So I bought a new pair of headphones for myself.
And they're already breaking. Meh.

Today I interviewed Zach.
Again.
The first time I had a pretty good interview with him and a few others.
After the first minute, the recorder crapped out.
Woo.
So we did it again today, as we were just so... uggggh.
I asked a few questions, got simple answers.
We were both just so done.
Then we layed down for a few minutes.
It was necessary.

I'm sick.
I was sicker this weekend, but I'm still sick.
All congested and whatnot.

On Friday, Devon and I went shopping.
I bought myself a ring and a copy of The Hunger Games.
They are pretty.
We stayed out until about 7:30, then we went to his house, wrapped a present for his mom, had dinner while watching Captain America, then he drove me home.
And we sat in the driveway.
And just talked.
Around 11 we decided the night was not over.
We went to Greely so he could pee.
Then we walked around a little and hugged a Christmas tree.
Then stood in a small little building and talked.
Then got back in the car.
Went to my driveway.
Then we went to Wal Mart.
It was closed.
Since when does Wal-Mart close?!
So we went back to my drive way.
And cuddled.
Until two in the morning.
Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men came on the radio.
It was awesome.
Then I went inside, because it was 2 and I was sick.
It was a good night.

Tech Week.
Day 1: I am sick.
I was packing my dinner for tonight, seeing as we will be here until 8 tonight.
I packed a small bag of chips, some trail mix, a granola bar, and a pack of crackers.
For desert, NyQuil.

Stay classy.

[This is the first post in a long time that had nothing to do with you, in whatever way. Huh.]

Excuses and Apologize.

I've never been a fan of excuses.
I understand that people use them,
but I avoid them at all costs.
I don't particularly like the word 'sorry.'
It is good sometimes, such as when you know you were wrong and admit such.
Saying 'sorry' is admitting you are wrong.
Journalist NEVER say sorry.
I think that should be rule number 1 of journalism. Never say sorry. Ever.
Anyway.
I don't like excuses.
There shouldn't be any.
If you are supposed to do something, then do it.
It's not that hard.
I mean, have responsibilities.
Don't make promises you know you can't keep.
Yeah, excuses are fine every once in a while.
But I will never, NEVER, place the blame on someone else.
If I didn't do something, it's because of me.
There is always something I could have done.
Which is why I don't like complaining.
But I do it a lot.

You know an apology from me is legitimate.
It's rare for me to think I'm wrong, mostly because social conversation is mostly opinion.
My opinion is never wrong to me.