Play-by-play.

You tell me what I mean to you.
The feeling is mutual.
I've been thinking about asking all day, but now I sit back,
Scared out of my mind.
The keyboard glares at me, mocking me.
"You can't do it," it seems to be saying, "you're still the pansy you've always been."
I'll show you.
Deep beath, and here's the plunge.
Now all there is to do is wait. Wait for the reply.
Rejection.



"Dust it off and keep walking, you pansy."
I'm sick of the keyboard mocking me.

You and secrets.

So, I like you. And I'm in a sappy mood, so let's sap it up. Shall we? Yes.
Why. Why do I like you.
Well, here's why.
I can imagine us, together.
I like that a lot.
(All right, maybe my mood isn't as sappy as I thought.)
I like that I can imagine giving you presents.. Like, Christmas presents and aniversary presents and all those things.
I can see us doing all the things I hate.
Like, presents and eating in front of eachother.
I think we'd make a good couple. Forever.
-Enter sappy stuff here-

I was thinking about what would happen if every person in school read this.
Secretly.
And I didn't know.
And secretly, you all know my secrets.

Muggy mood.

Not particularly, because I'm done with you.
(Maybe- because there are some many 'you's' I should make a point to which one I mean. Eh. It's more interesting to guess. Maybe when there's more than one, I'll put a number. Plan? Plan.)

I found a note of yours while cleaning this morning.
And it said something along the lines of 'bite my neck, will you? Well, one day, I'll get back at you.'
All right. You got back at me. And not in a fun way. I hope you realized you crushed me.
But, I wasn't surprised.
I expected it. And I would like for you to leave now.
It'd be nice to be happy again.

And, you know what? I am happy.
You2 makes me happy. (And, not like U2 the band. Man, that was confusing.) 
But, when you like, keep up conversations with me, and not just with one word answers.
Full length, thought out responses. I really like that.
And I really like you.

That is all. I'm cutting out my brain for the evening.
My Dopamine is on the frits. Can't tell if I like it or not.

Fact: It's rare for me not to have Youtube up.

New School Year Resolution, of sorts.

Well, every summer I make a few goals for the up coming school year.
I'm a little late.
But I have one. And one is enough for this year.

1. Cut Brain Crack. Cold-turkey.

Brain crack is ideas you keep in your head and dwell upon them until they are absolutely perfect. And they never become perfect.
The world doesn't need anymore brain crack.
It needs ideas.
So, by keeping them in, it's more and more selfish every year.
This, year, let's crack the crack.

Also, cover some songs. But that's a different goal all on it's own.

Fact: The most visited website on my account is purevolume.com. Obssessed? Maybe.

Quickie.

The other day, I called you my boyfriend.
That was weird.



Fact: I have read 38 books this year. I'm currently working on four. I need to finish 50 by the end of the year to finish my goal. I am not willing to throw this goal aside.

The pressure is intense.

Well, this is an interesting time.
I don't what is going to happen in my life.
Random notes to various people? Sure, let's go for it.

Yeah, sure, I kind of like you again.
And if you don't like me, I don't blame you.
But, I'd like to know.
I feel like I'm pushing myself on you again, and I don't like that.
So, I'd appreciate you either staying or going.
If you're annoyed by me or whatever, just go.
If you don't want to, then don't.
It's totally up to you.
I've been a little happier than usual as of lately, and I hate to think it's because of you.

Don't ask if I want Strogenoff for dinner.
No, I don't want Strogenoff for dinner.
I don't eat meat, you bastard.

You're making me feel inadiquate.
I'm trying, everynight I practice.
And still, when you talk about 'the weakest link', you always give me shifty glances.
It's kind of starting to piss me off.
I'm trying. I'm really, really trying.
I'm kind of starting to feel like I'm not getting any better, and you're just rubbing it in my face.
I feel like I'm wasting my time.
But this is what I do, and I'm going to keep doing it.
But eventually, I'm afraid I'll break.

College is too much pressure on me right now. I don't want to deal with it.
I mean, do I stay here, or go to the West Coast?
Do I go to New York, Massachucets, Idaho, Utah...?
Do I stay here with friends, go to live near mom's, go to New York where some friends have gone to college already, where I may have a journalism internship?
I just, don't know. I don't know what to do.

Fact: I'm afraid of commitment. I can do it for a while, then there's a time frame where I just feel clausterphobic. I'm sure I can get past it, I know I can. I just need someone to help me through that, to stay strong when I feel trapped. As long as I'm trapped in your arms, it'll all work out.

It's science time.

My heart just hasn't been in the right place lately.
I don't know what it is, but I can't do school work and whenever I hang out with people, I'm just not myself.
I'll wake up in a great mood, then it'll slope downwards as the day goes on.
It's strange, and I don't know what's going on.
But, I have a full day at school tomorrow.
I mean, classes until two, band until five, then from 6-8 I'm in the open house for clubs.
So, I have about two hours to finish up homework for tomorrow.
Yay.

I don't know how I feel about this years GSA group.
I mean, we have a LOT more people, but some of them are kind of noisy and annoying.
But, I'm in it to win it. And I will be president next year. And I will make this all better.
And it will be fantastic.
I really like this club, and the idea of it. The people just sometimes kill me.
But I love them.

I had a few minutes this morning to go to the library.
That is until I remembered all of the things that I am reading.
The Hunger Games, Twilight, and Hamlet.
The Hunger Games is full of awesome.
Twilight is full of suck.
And Hamlet is full of teacher being slow and taking a week per scene.
Not literally. But close enough. An Act per week, just about.
But I'll have some free time tomorrow to -hopefully- finish The Hunger Games.
Soon enough. (:
Then I'll have time to finish Twilight, then I can pick up a new book.
Man, I love books.

It's science time.
Night.

Let's talk literature.

So, books.
Currently, I'm reading Left Behind >The Kids< The Vanishings by Jerry B Jenkins and Tim LaHaye.
I'm also reading Twilight, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and Hamlet.
Twilight has a bet going on it, I never got to finish Harry Potter, and Hamlet is for English class.
Hamlet is fairly good thus far, but I'm always up for some Shakespeare.
Twilight I would willingly vomit on.
Harry Potter shouldn't have been set aside.

But guess what I got at the library today?
Hunger Games.
Win? Win? WIN.
I am more than excited to start this bad boy. I've heard nothing but good things about this book.

Project New Hampshire should be starting soon.
Grandma Barb doens't think she will ever make it to see New Hampshire, so she gave me a video camera to document what it's like.
This should be fun.

Truth.

It's been a while.
Well, no it hasn't. I just feel like that was the right thing to say.

Up from the underground.

This blog come in  parts:

Part 1: Logan Venderlic.
I just discovered him.
And I don't know why, but he makes me happy.
He just soothes me.

Part 2: Promises.
At a young(er) age, I learned to always keep promises, but never be dependent on other's.
When I was seven, my mom promised me I could have my first ever birthday party.
I was so excited to finally, finally have a birthday party.
It never happened.
Looking back, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal.
But it was, and still is, to me at least.
So, I'm sorry if I don't believe that you'll always be there. Even if you promise.

Part 3: Man, I really like Logan Venderlic.
Maybe I should listen to him and re-learn how to fly.

Part 4: Band.
I miss Marching. That's the only negative thing I have to say about band right now.
Oher than that, all is well.

Part 5: Ukulele.
I'm getting a ukulele for Christmas this year.
I haven't been more excited for anything since.... my eith birthday party.
Oh geez.
Please, don't make me look like a fool again, ma.

Part 6: Female singers.
I don't know why, but it's rare for me to like female singers.
Mostly in the kind of music that listen to.

Part 7: A deep statement.
You're wrong about a lot of things, but your opinions are always right.


Fact: I used to be deathly afraid of dogs. Look at me now.

It's all just fun and games.

I have these moments where I just want to run around and play.
Because, I mean, I'm still a kid.



I think I missed a fact last time, so let's do two this time.

Fact: I get excited for strange things, such as book reports and dinosaurs.

Fact: I really, really like Badmitten.

It's time to grow up.

School started today, and that's cool.
And, yeah, I'm glad school started, but everything else keeps getting in the way of the happy.
I'm just so unsure of everything.
College.
Jobs.
Band.
Relationships.
People.
Myself.
I don't know what I can do or how much longer I can do it for.
A general attitude decline happened last year, too.
It's not the start of the school year blues or whatever.
Serious stuff happened last year, and different things are happening this year.
I feel like I'm failing everyone.
Family.
Band.
Ryan.
Friends.
Everyone.
I just, don't feel up to par.
I think I may know what one of the problems is.
I'm sick of people being a HUGE part of my life, leaving, then every once in a while, peaking their ead in and out again.
*AHEM Dan, Andie AHEM*
Whatever. It's my fault I'm a bitch, not yours, and I don't blame you.
You had every right to walk out that door and never look back.
(Er, look back on occasion.)

Whatever. I'm sure things won't last as long as I expected them to.