Shaping

There is merely one more day of class. After that, one day of finals. 
Then I never have to go back there again.

Ever.

That is the greatest feeling.

I've gone through so much shit in high school. 
In the public school system in general.
My parents divorced. 
I moved across the country, forced away from the few friends that I had. 
I made a few friends in Washington, but let's be honest.
Nobody liked me. I was the new kid.
The weird kid.
Then father won the custody battle.
I was ripped away from my mother and family.
That is one of the few memories I remember so strongly.
My father's mother pulling me out of my mother's arms.
My mother's father placing his hand on the window, matching mine, as we drove away.
My first plane ride.
One I didn't really understand.
I didn't see my mother again for two and a half years.
It wasn't her fault. It wasn't anyone's fault.
The only reason they were ever married in the first place: me.
I started school once in New Hampshire again. 
I made a friend or two. Nothing serious.
I was back to being the weird kid.
The person I would be for quite some time.
I made some friends in middle school.
They all left sooner or later.
I was never afraid to be who I was.
The awkward person didn't need to fit in.
I just needed to be whoever I was going to be.
I tried fitting in for a while. It just didn't work.
So I stopped trying to be that person.
I've had girlfriends, I've had boyfriends.
From Dan to Ryan, Dan to Ryan, Dan to Ryan.
It's been a vicious cycle of boys.
And, holy shit, I deserve to be treated better than that.
It was totally different each time.
The Dan I dated the first time was not the same person as the second time we dated.
Ryan changed drastically from the first to the second time. 
Totally different people each time.
It's crazy how much people change. Not always for the better.
I became homeless.
I moved twelve times in just a few months. 
We still don't really have a place.
No home.
Homeless.
My heart has been homeless since the divorce.
I think that is what has really effected my life the most.
Their divorce.
It would have never had to even begin, if it wasn't for me.
It shaped the way I view the world.

It lets me see all the bullshit for what it really is.


The world is shit.
But I just have to rule it.

I just beed myself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLLz7O9Lf6k&feature=g-u-u

This should be watched.

And this is the inspiration for this video. Kind of.

The reason I didn't go to prom.

Tonight is prom night. And I am playing Minecraft, watching ZeFrank, and blogging.
"But prom is such an important part of high school! You will remember it forever!"
Wait. Just stop right there. 
That is why I'm not going.


I don't want to spend my life doing things so I can remember them later on. 
I want to do things for the now.
 

I am, in fact, all shook up.
Because of All Shook Up.
Hurray!

If this was a vlog, intro music would go here.
Lawl.

Well, the last two posts I have done got deleted somehow.
Who cares?
Not a single person.
Meh.

I've been feeling kind of blah lately. To the point where I don't want to blog.
I don't want to do anything, really.
Today started out great.
While walking into Alvirne with Chris, he asked if we were talking about the quiz we were supposed to have.
Our teacher is pretty good at saying we are going to have a quiz, then not giving us the quiz for, say, a month.
So we were talking about whether or not it was actually going to happen.
I said "It is Ms. Craig. So, we will probably not have it. We will probably do kennel."
We ended up doing kennel.
Which was fun.
I sometimes like doing kennel.
Because I like animals.
And even if it is just cleaning up their cages, I like doing it. Experience.
So that was fun.
Then I started thinking.
ot really about anything in particular.
Just.... thinking.
About what will only be known as 'the event.'
I don't really have anything to say about the event.
Just that it was an event. And it happened.
And that is really all I have to say about that.
I mean, really.
I don't have anything to comment on the event.
It happened. Then it ended.
And that is it.
But sometiems I think about it.

I started thinking about how little people actually need me.
And I mean need need me.
Like, with the drama club.
I am stage manager and I do all of the little things.
That make the show big.
I build the set, lights, curtain, call out lines, make sure people are where they need to be, etc.
Every rehersal. (I have missed one.)
I let everyone know where they need to be.
Everything.
But I never get a single thank you.
Never told anything.
Tonight at four, we are having the leads come in to do act 2.
And I quote: "Just leads."
Just leads.
And Spencer.

I was tempted not to go.
They don't need me. Why bother?
So I told Devon about it. He offered to swing by and pick me up after school.
I told him I can't.
I'm working in the shop. (Building sets for the show.)
I am too busy working on the show to be mad at the show.

Everything hurts.
Everything sucks.

And my techies keep bailing.

Heres for tomorrow.

Good Mythical Morning.

Alvirne has early release. Huzzah!
So I will be sitting ni the library for the next hourish.
Watching Youtube. Then I will probably redo my Spanish homework, rewrite it and whatnot.
Stupid Spanish.
More, stupid Barraford.
All right, she is not stupid.
But she can't teach.
She knows Spanish. She knows English.
But not enough of English to teach Spanish.
And none of us are getting it.
I am kind of understanding, but not nearly as much as I wish I was.

Now I will watch Minecraft videos for a long time.
Long time.
Long. Long. Time.

Weird day yesterday.
Wore a dress.
Painted while wearing tights. Got paint on the tights. Ah well, what can yah do.
Then I went to Hannaford for dinner.
Went to get a basket and there was a guy sitting there.
He said to me "Hello! Would you like a Peep?"
HE WAS A NERDFIGHTER AND IT MADE ME SO FREAKING HAPPY.
Then I got a pepper and a Sprite.
And had a nice little dinner.
Then had rehersal.
Went to Wendy's with Emily.
Went for a walk with Lia and Dan.
Then went to bed.
Huzzah!
It was a really, really good day over all.

Today, I have two classes.
Zoology and spanish.
So I will be leaving school fourth block to go to Salvation Army for shirts and whatnot.
Which should be lovely and fun.
And whatnot.
Blah.
This was pointless.
Sorry.
But not really.

This is it.

After this, this last blog post, I am totally and completely done with you.
(Please return Ender's Game to Zach and I will get it eventually. Although you will probably never read this. Which I am fine with, because you don't give a shit anyway.)

I am done feeling like shit.
So I decided to at least try and make myself happy again.
I relized 'Hey, you really do make me feel like shit more times than you make me happy.'
For every one time you would make me feel decent, there were a dozen times you would make me feel bad.
That I wasn't worth your time, that I didn't deserve you, that you had so many other better things to do, why did I even stick around?
Because you do. You have better things to do. Which wasn't fair to me.
You lead me on. And that isn't right.
You didn't give a shit.
I tried. I really did.
I said 'good morning' and 'good night' for weeks.
Then, one day, I stopped.
To see if you would notice.
You didn't.
Why didn't I notice then?
When we were together (which wasn't very often) it would be fun. But then you wouldn't really be there.
You never knew what was going on in my life. Never asked.
I went to find someone else, just for one day.
You didn't care.
My uncle died and I got really scared. Because you had a similar thing going on.
You promised me. You promised you would tell me everything.
I asked all day, and I got nothing. You promised you would let me know imediately.
It wasn't until late at night when you let me know you were home.
... You promised. But you left me freaking out all day.
I had no idea if you were even alive.
Can you just imagine for a second what that was like?
You knew how freaked out I was.
And I understand you were having a tough time, I'm not trying to make it sound like it's all about me.
But you promised. You could have had your mom let me know. Something. Anything.
You promised.
You kept bailing on me, last minute.
You left me sitting on a couch, alone.
With nothing.
Then we compromised.
One day a week, half an hour. A short, quick time together.
Once a week.
That lasted for about a month.
Then you started bailing out again.
For whatever reason.
You promised.
You can't even see me once a week. A damn half hour, that's all I asked for.
You promised.
Then you said you would text me 'good morning' and 'good night' everyday.
Every. Day.
That lasted for about a week.
You promised.
When I told you I was out, you didn't even fight it. You just let it happen. There was nothing you could have done, but in that you proved all of my points. That you didn't care. About me. About any of this.

You promised.
And you broke that promise.

I gave a woman a dollar.

Puff levels are high.
But in a good way.

Quick background information:
I am sick of everything. Everything sucks. Blah blah blah stupid girl stuff.
I freaked out at someone. But it was totally, totally worth it. Seriously.
But more on that next time. Because you deserve it. Take it as you wish. You wanted me to change (which isn't cool), so maybe you can take the next one  as advice on how not to be a total d-bag to someone who you 'like' or whatever.

ANYWAY.
Back to my story.
So Sunday, day after Saint Patrick's Day.
I was going to go to a little thrift store downtown with my sister.
We're getting ready and I asked her to pick her project up off the floor.
She went balistic, freaking out, giving attitude, whatever.
So she didn't end up going with me.
It ended up being closed on Sundays.
So I'm walking back and I notice this woman. I notice people when walking and generally think about them and wonder whate their lives are like, whatnot.
I'm standing on a corner, waiting for the light to change when she catches my eye.
She passes by and asks if i have a dollar to spare.
Without even hesitating, without thinking about it, I pull out my wallet and hand her a dollar.
She thanks me and goes on her way.
Then I get to thinking.
Why did I do it?
Was it the right thing to do? Yes, I believe so.
Did I have a dollar to spare? Yeah, kind of. I was only going to get hair dye, but that could wait.
But people have asked me for money before, friends and people on the street, but rarely do I do it.
Why this time?
Maybe I had so many things running through my head and I needed a nice moment.
Why this woman?
Maybe... I don't know. Something just made me do it.
I didn't think about it.
I don't consider myself a selfish person. I rarely ask for anything, I cook dinner for the family every night, I'd rather help someone do their work than do my own first.
I don't know why i've been thinking about this so much.
Weird.